13th century

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This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.

Represented here are the time periods from sometime way back when to a bunch of years later.




Medieval maidservants were required to carefully inspect the undersides of tables for chewing gum. This practice would be later carried over to the colonies in the Caribbean where it would become known as the limbo.

The 13th century includes the years 1201 to 1300. It was generally agreed to do so as it would have been quite a bit messier to do it any other way.[1]

The Mongol Empire reaches its greatest size, stretching from China to Eastern Europe. This is depite the fact that the population of many of its regions is now zero. Its accounting staff has little to do except count horses grazing on open grasslands where cities once stood. Little would Genghis Khan know that his very own horse would conspire against him, throwing him off in battle, leading to the Great Khan's death. It was in the end an unsuccessful attempt to create a horse empire led by the high priests and priestesses of the My Little Pony cult.[2]

The Crusades continue with a string of popes exhorting Christians to take back the Holy Lands[3]. They raise funds for the effort by taxation and "donation" and make a bundle on service charges. In exchange, Crusaders are given absolution[4] for everything, allowing them to kill, loot and pillage their way to Jerusalem and the Near East and back. For a time, Mongols get involved in the region but decide three's a crowd and continue on their merry way in Europe.

Petrarch with pet rock.

Notable events[edit]

1201 to 1210[edit]

'Let's Go Mongol!'

“Yippee ki yay”

~ Genghis Khan on hearing his trade caravan to Khwarezmia was robbed and its members jailed.
  • 1202 – Court jesters begin appearing in royal households, with the wearing of garish clothing required to distinguish them from inbred royalty.
  • 1204 – Baldwin IX, Count of Flanders is crowned first Emperor of the Roman Catholic Church. He declares that all people from Flanders must be named Ned and say things like "Howdy Ho Neighborino", and "Okely-dokley".
  • 1204 – The Fourth Crusade decides to get practical and capture and loot the nearest city, Christian Byzantium. The city changes their welcome signs to read "Constantinople" to avoid attack but to no avail. Crusaders seize Constantinople from Greeks by playing a violent "knock knock" joke. The Crusaders elect on their own Baldwin 'Baldy' Count of Flanders as Emperor in the East or 'The Latinos'.
  • 1205 – Emperor Baldwin killed in a dance off with Bulgarian King Kalojan the Groin Gouger.
  • 1206 – Genghis Khan is named Great Khan. A disappointed Chaka would be heard to mutter, "Tell me something good."
  • 1209 – Nomadic tribes invent the condom by sewing two sheep together, end to end.

1211 to 1220[edit]

“They're heeere!”

~ unknown page on the arrival of noblemen confronting King John at Runnymede.
  • 1210Death of Arthur (Vulgate Mort Artu) tops the manuscript Top 10 in Europe. It's called the Vulgate as it is written Fruity French rather than the standard Lame Latin of the period.
  • c.1211 – As adults are busy being cannon fodder elsewhere, Christian children are ordered to undertake a crusade and march en masse toward Jerusalem. They are generously provided ship transport to the Holy Land where they are promptly sold into slavery. This leads to a rare incident where both Christian and Muslim slavers send tithes to the Pope for making them rich.
  • 1212 – Inspired by the burning desire to persecute Jews again, Spanish forces begin the Reconquista to regain lands where Jews are living.
Aztec banks would give out free calendars to its customers every year. Thousands would perish carrying them home or trying to hang them on their walls.
  • 1212Battle of Las Navas de Tolosa. An alliance of Spanish kingdoms, crusaders, Islamophobes and French tourists defeat the muslim army of the Almohad Caliphate.
  • 1214 – The Mongol Empire sacks and burns Kaifeng (now Beijing) just for practice.[5]
  • 1214King John of England decides to vacation in his summer home in Runnymede. He dismisses his Lord High Chamberlain's request that he take guards, since after all, "What's the worst that could happen?".
  • 1215 – King John pisses on a peasant woman named Maggie Carta prompting outraged nobleman (who had wanted to rape her first) to force him to sign a document named after her. Amongst other things, it outlawed "pissing on peasants".[6]
  • 1215 – King John signs the Magna Carta a second time. He is brought back to the same field when nobles find he signed it "John Hancock the first time.
  • 1216 – Pope Innocent III dies after drinking a poisoned smoothie.
  • 1217 – The Fifth Crusade is called by Pope Honorius III to retake Jerusalem. Again. There are so few crusaders this time that Muslims have a hard time telling if they are being attacked or not.
  • 1218 – Genghis Khan sends a trade mission to neighboring Khwarezmia. It is robbed and its members arrested as spies. The Great Khan then sends emissaries to sort things out and the head emissary's head is sent back. Genghis takes the hint and sends a few hundred thousand cavalry troops for a visit. The great cities of Bukhara, Samarkand and Urgench are then wiped off the map.[7]
Flag of Denmark.
  • 1219 – On this day Estonian spice merchants made their way from the Silk Road through Very Northern Germany to sell Denmark its flag, which had been lovingly made in Estonia from a few painted bricks. It was purchased for two beers by Danish King Valdemar II, who, it was said, had a certain penchant for Estonian beer.
  • 1220 – The Dark Ages are briefly illuminated by a massive explosion in Syria on April 4th.
  • 1220 – King Wossisname of Saxony declares the Fifth Crusade. Hundreds of thousands of troop off to the Holy Land only to find Jerusalem closed for maintenance, so they all go home again.

1221 to 1230[edit]

“Khaaan!”

~ Volga Bulgars on seeing Mongol cavalry approaching
  • 1221Venice signs a treaty with the Mongol Empire. Or else.
  • 1223Battle of Samara Bend. Bulgarians defeat the armies of the Khan, the first time the latter have been defeated. The Mongolian "army" consists of 4 lost horses without riders, causing Bulgarian losses of just over 2000 before being sent off with several paper cuts and one slightly dirty mane.
  • 1226 – Death of Francis of Assisi. He is fast tracked to sainthood within two years. Frankie Goes to Heaven (VIP area).
Flying giant overripe watermelons would gain great popularity with Chinese nobility.[8]
  • 1227 – Genghis Khan dies in his battle tent. It's said he has 16 million descendants. It is just as well as it's estimated he and his Mongol hordes have killed 40 million.
  • 1227Zen Buddhism is redeveloped in Japan to learn all about nothing.
  • 1228 – Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II turns back from an Official Crusade™ after stepping on a Lego brick in the dark and is excommunicated. Frederick II then starts his very own crusade to claim Jerusalem while no one is looking. While he is not looking, his regent back at home starts a war with Spoleto, allies of Pope Gregory IX.
  • 1229 – Christians in Toulouse are forbidden to read the Bible for themselves due to "possible misintepretation" according to church officials. Catholics would forevermore wonder what the book stuck in the back of pews was all about.
  • 1230 – What's called the 'Vulgate' edition of the stories of King Arthur, Lancelot and Monty Python is finally finished and published. However the Catholic Church doesn't like it as it is 'pornographic' and 'licentious'. A re-write is demanded.

1231 to 1240[edit]

“Life is like a box of chocolates”

~ Mayan King Pi'k'ka Chu 3 on either Whitman Samplers or the cheapness of life, just before his execution
  • 1231 – Fezzes for marmots are invented.
  • 1233 – Pope Gregory IX creates the Papal Inquisition to root out disobedient choir boys and burn Liberals.
  • 1239 – After sticking a number of small flute-like instruments into a cow stomach, a caber-tossing Highlander plays the first bagpipe melody in a true defining moment of Scottish heritage.
  • 1240 – The new expansion of World of Warcraft is released, World chaos ensues.

1241 to 1250[edit]

The best years in music before 12-minute drum solos.

“I see dead people”

~ everyone just about everywhere
  • 1241 – Mongol armies sweep through Poland and Hungary in order to establish bases to capture the true prize: Liechtenstein.
  • 1242Russians defeat the Teutonic Knights, helped by Finnish mercenaries known as the Leningrad Cowboys, who are armed with giant balalaikas.
  • 1249 - The Portuguese drive the Moors out of Portugal. Spain send them a sarcastic thank-you note for driving them into that country. King Affonso III of Portugal is removed from the Spanish royal Christmas card list.
  • 1250 - Death of Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II. He had moved to Sicily for the tarts and tomatoes.

1251 to 1260[edit]

“I'll be back”

~ Caliph Al-Musta'sim on fleeing Baghdad from Mongol attack
  • 1253 – Grand Duke Mindaugas is crowned King of Lithuania in the Cathedral of Vilnius.
  • 1253 – The Talullattay aliens arrive from planet Trimlor. A young Mexican woman named Emuda welcomes them into her home. They stay with her for many months and they are keen to know all about Emuda and her life in Mexico. She is force- fed grapes by BrumBru the highest in command, as the aliens wrongly believe the grapes to have mystical powers. Temilux sits with Emuda and tells her stories of wonder, tales about colonies of intelligent swirling bubbles that co-exist with floating goat-birds. Emuda doesn't understand the relevance this has to her situation. This annoys Temilux greatly because he had believed Emuda would be extremely impressed. It becomes a little awkward in the room so the aliens quietly leave.
The 13th century was when Goth culture was really hardcore.
  • 1254 – Broke Latin Emperor Baldwin II mortgages his own son Philip to a consortium of Venetian banks in exchange for money loans on property. Eric Trump - take note!
  • 1256 – Due to a freak twist of space time, the year 1256 happens again. People are ready for their light bulbs to eject this time, but also notice the previously unseen shortage of wheat.
  • 1258 - Sack of Baghdad by the Mongols led by Khan Hulagu a.k.a. 'Hoola Hoop', grandson of Genghis Khan. The last Caliph Al-Musta'sim is stuffed inside a carpet and rolled into the Tigris to drown.
  • 1259 – The Treaty of Paris is signed. Rioting ensues when signers refuse to give autographs, pleading carpal tunnel syndrome.
  • 1260Marco Polo begins his journey to eastern lands. It starts badly when his caravan is delayed due to fog and his luggage is lost.

1261 to 1270[edit]

“And this one time, at band camp... ”

~ Louis X of France, on the road
  • 1261 – Constantinople is retaken from the crusaders. The Byzantines decide that revolving doors in the city walls are a bad idea and have them removed.
  • 1264 – People just basically had a really good time getting to know each other. Strangers would pass on the street and shake hands. The women would hug and dogs mated with a quiet enthusiasm unparalleled in any era before or since.
  • 1265 – Simon de Montfort is killed in the Battle of Evesham against royalist forces. Prince Edward (later King Edward I) orders Montfort's body to be completely dismembered. He keeps Simon's severed pecker in a jar for good luck.[9]
  • 1268 – Conrad or "Conradin" (grandson of Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II) is executed for being a bad loser in a war against Charles of Anjou.
  • 1269 – Jews are persecuted by English barons for lending money to the King, the King persecutes the Jews to avoid paying them back.[10]
Peasants were able to keep their dishware extremely clean. Shown is a 13th century favorite, imaginary oatmeal.
  • 1270 – King Louis IX of France dies in Tunis when his crusade takes a wrong turn out of Marseille. The Catholic Church later makes him a Saint and name a city in the USA after him. How kind.

1271 to 1280[edit]

“It puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again”

~ Kublai Khan, grandson of Genghis Khan
  • 1271 – Emperor Khan Noonien Singh steals the Book of Genesis from the Bible, and replaces it with a bunch of silly myths.
  • 1271 – Young French peasant Napoleon Bonaparte accidentally invents time travel, finds himself in Corsica.
  • 1272 – King Edward I of England succeeds his father Henry III. Edward isn't in the country when this happens as he is stuck in the Holy Land with a passport problem.
  • 1272 – Giant mutant hamsters devour the rogue super continent of Gondwanaland.
  • 1273 – Pope Gregory X founds the Black Muslim movement.
  • 1273 – Count Rudolf of Habsburg is elected Holy Roman Emperor with all of Germany believing "Rudy can't fail".
France gets the jump on everyone and holds the first ren fair in the 1200s.
  • 1274 – The Church sacks the entire Department of Chronology for gross ineptitude, causing all Europe to sink deeper into the Dark Ages.
  • 1274 – Crumpet is invented by Albert the Great whilst hiding in a bakery.
  • 1274 – Death of Thomas Aquinas.The Catholic theologian died after laughing at his own obscene doodles in the margins of his manuscript Summa Theologiae. He shortly after becomes a Saint but remains firmly dead.
  • 1275 – The French tactic "re'treate" is effectively executed on the battlefield for the first time. The French government is amazed by the outstandingly low numbers of field casualties. As a result, this tactic will continue to dominate French military strategy for the next two Eternities.
  • 1276 – Pope John XXI takes this title, despite there being no 'Pope John XX' previously. He was suspicious of being a 'double XX pope' as that sounded like a soft core porn movie rating. The new pope says XXI is his lucky number.
  • 1277 – Pope John XXI secretly opens a New Age Necromancy Consultancy service as a long term retirement plan. He's killed on the first day it opens when the roof of the building collapses on him. The insurance company refuse to pay for repairs, calling this 'an Act of God'.
  • 1278 – Known as the Golden Prince with the Silver Spoons, King Ottakar of Bohemia challenges Emperor Rudolf. The Bohemian army are defeated when their gypsy clothing trips them up in battle. Ottakar turns into a frog to escape but is swallowed up by a heron.
  • 1279 – The Mongols crush the Song dynasty. Unfortunately, Simon Cowell manages to escape.

1281 to 1290[edit]

“I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!!”

~ St. Patrick to Buddha while ascending to the astral plane
  • 1282 – Vesper Lynd leads the Sicilians in rebellion against the French. The revolt is called the 'Sicilian Vespers' in her honour. Vesper retires to Venice and dies when her home collapses into the Grand Canal. A big James Bond Fail.
Wikisplodebig.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about 13th century.
  • 1284 – Eyeglasses are invented. With an insufficient number of Jews around, Italians persecute "four eyes".
  • 1287 – Baconium is born.
  • 1287Geisenheim is founded by Russian pirates.
  • 1289 – There is a gas shortage, and a flock of seagulls.[11] That's about it.
  • 1290 – King Edward I casts the Jews out of England into Europe, where they wander for forty days and forty nights, led by Moses Llewellyn[12] carrying an out-of-date Zagat guide.

1291 to 1300[edit]

While waiting for building inspectors to arrive, idled backhoe[13] operator Dante Alighieri begins writing his sea adventure epic, La Divina Commedia (English: The Diving Comedy).

“My precious... ”

~ Dante Alighieri on Laura
  • 1291Siege of Green Acre. Arnold the Magnificent, also know as Ziffel III, leads a spirited defense and thus puts an end to the Crusades. It’s about time.
  • 1291 – 3 Swiss cantons band together for mutual defense, easier banking and fondue parties.
  • 1293 – November 16 comes immediately after January 3. Fierce battles still rage in the halls of academia as to whether this was meant to re-align the celestial calendar, or simply because King Socrates wanted to raise himself above the legal drinking age. If you venture into the halls of academia, be sure to wear a helmet and kneepads.
  • 1294 – Pope Celestine V resigns from office after a short reign of five months. He wanted to spend more time with his imaginary friends and rosaries and didn't think being pope was helping that. Celestine is imprisoned by his successor Pope Boniface IX 'for his own safety'.
  • 1297 – William Wallace, with an unfortunate habit of mooning people, puts the practice to good use.
  • 1299 – The Ottoman Empire is founded. Footstool jokes are immediately banned, setting the tone for decades-long repression.
  • 1300 – Marco Polo writes of his Asian travels, making him the talk of every swimming pool in Europe.

See also[edit]

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Realignment of the time stream, Dept. of Time Travel (3017). Retrieved on 16 Octvember 4417.
  2. Catherine the Great, My Little Pony, passim, Novgorod Press (1796)
  3. as if they ever had them
  4. "Get out of jail free" cards. Baggs, Penny Monopolies, pp. 361, Houghton Miflin (1931)
  5. No sacks were burned in the process.
  6. It didn't work. Rapper, Thomas C. Garderobes and their use, Streaming Press (1889)
  7. at least, on Mongol maps. Khan, K. How to mount a globe on your horse (1218)
  8. As would airing out the 'pits on a hot day. HRH Elizabeth I, We call it glowing, royal pronouncement (1587)
  9. his own, not Montfort's. Floyd, P.B. How to pack nuts in a jar, Putnam (1931)
  10. "Oy" does not mean "Oi, oi, oi".
  11. Remember them? Hairstyles of death. Retrieved 13 February 2019.
  12. late of Milton Keynes
  13. (Brit.) JBC