15th century

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Church censors are everywhere and ever vigilant in the 1400s.

The 15th century includes the years 1401 to 1500.

It is a time of great turmoil in Europe. Still. Constantinople falls to the Turks making the western part of Europe and their pope pretty happy, temporarily. Amir Timur, also known as Timur the Lame or Tamerlane, would lead the Mongols once again into Europe.[1] The Hundred Years' War continues past mid-century, with the English just not getting enough war and starting up the Wars of the Roses amongst themselves. Persecution of Jews seems to be the popular pastime, sending them onto the roads as refugees only to be trampled by somebody's cavalry coming the other way.

The latter half of the century is one of exploration and exploitation by Europeans, where it seems anyone with a boat could sail off and 'discover' new lands. No matter what direction explorers sailed, they thought they had reached Asia despite natives showing them road maps trying to get the Europeans to move along. No matter, following the full employment push going on in Europe, locals were made interns and put to work mining gold[2] and picking cotton.[3]

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Chronicle of events[edit]

1401 to 1410[edit]

Alien abduction is a serious concern in the 1400s.

“I just have to keep moving”

~ reviewbrah on finding all Jewish delis and fast food restaurants burnt down
  • c.1401 – The Mississippian culture in North America begins its decline with the sudden proliferation of fried chicken franchise operations.
  • 1401 – Amir Timur (Tamerlane) arrives in Baghdad with the usual results.
  • 1402 – Tamerlane is challenged to a Turkish wrestle by Sultan Bayezid. Tamerlane accepts and brings a sword to a knife fight. Bayezid loses his jockstrap and freedom.
  • 1403 – Spain conquers the Canary Islands after pitched cannon battles with budgies[4] 'Baby steps' are the watchwords for the nascent world power.
  • 1403 – Harry 'Tottenham' Hotspur is killed in extra time by King Henry IV in the Battle of Shrewsbury. The English monarch likes playing dirty. He can now enjoy King Henry IV. Part 2.
  • 1404 – The English Parliament passes the Act of Multipliers, preventing alchemists from creating gold and silver. The Union of Alchemists solemnly promises to continue to be the fraud artists most of them were already.
  • 1405 – Zheng He sails from China on a voyage of discovery with a huge fleet. He makes the newbie explorer mistake of not killing nor enslaving the people he meets. All in all, he find this to be a eunuch experience.
  • 1407 – Mobs attack Jews in Poland which happens whenever a year is divisible by a prime number.
  • 1407 – Duke Louis of Orleans (brother of King Charles Fruitcake of France) is murdered by his rivals whilst visiting his mistress in Paris. Gauntlets are pointed at Duke Jean of Burgundy as the instigator of the crime.
  • 1408 – A hotel room that Stephen King stays in and writes a book about. The book will be later adapted into a movie starring John Cusack [5]
  • 1409 – Church officials meet in Pisa to reconcile having two popes. Neither existing pope is willing to step down and before you know it, there are 14 popes.
  • 1410Battle of Grunwald (Tannenburg) between the Teutonic Knights and alliance of Poles and Lithuanians. The German tin men have their asses handed to them.

1411 to 1420[edit]

“An artist respects the silence that serves as the foundation of creativity”

~ An angry nasal trumpet fighter on why John Cage is better than Guillaume Dufay
Bohemia is a hotbed of BASE jumpers.
  • 1412 – Karl von Beerstein of Germany becomes an instant billionaire after he begins selling mugs of fermented piss to thirsty Germans at a sidewalk stand. The drink becomes famous and is named after him in his honor.
  • 1412 – The Medici family become the official bankers for the pope. Gregory XII receives free checking and a toaster but does not anticipate the high service charges to come.[6]
  • 1414 – Geeky astronomer Ulugh Beg succeeds his father Timur (Tamerlane). He inspires the famous English riddle poem that begins 'As I was going to St. Ives, I met Ulugh Beg with 13 wives.'
  • 1415Siege of Harfleur. King Henry V of England declaims 'Once more unto the breach, dear friends' before the attack on the city. Troops in the rear guard misunderstand and scarper off to Blackpool.[7]
  • 1415 – Pope John XXIII plays musical chairs with other Popes Gregory XII and Benedict XIII and loses. Tiring of parlour games, the College of Cardinals waits until all current popes are dead before electing another.
  • 1415Battle of Agincourt. France earns its loser reputation by attacking English archers by trying to walk through knee-deep mud. The new French emblem of a bold red and white target certainly does not help. The English archers celebrate with their 'V for Henry V' finger gestures.
  • 1415 – Jan Hus, private eye, investigates curiously high consumption of wood in Europe and an odd burning smell. He is on a stakeout when he is burned by informants.
  • 1417 – Roman Catholic cardinals elect Pope Martin Scorsese as their new leader. Francis Ford Coppola declines new post of 'Deputy Pope' which is then abolished.
  • 1419 – Officials in Prague are given free flying lessons by angry citizens. Council members do not obtain their licences after failing to bring along their own airplanes.
  • 1419 – Duke Jean 'The Fart Face' of Burgundy is stabbed to death on a bridge by friends of the late Duke Louis of Orleans (killed in 1407). No Christmas cards from Burgundy that year.
  • 1420 – King Henry V of England marries Catherine of Valet Parking, daughter of King Charles 'the Bonkers' of France. The wedding gifts include a few suits of armour, a well sprung bed and the French kingdom once old Bonkers dies. Catherine's brother Dauphin Charles does not attend and is declared to be a bastard son of Duke of Louis (killed 1407) and King Charles's wife Queen Isabella 'The Raver' from Bavaria'.

1421 to 1430[edit]

After the loss of so much equipment and horses after the Battle of Agincourt, French knights are forced to improvise.

“Suddenly the whole country is engulfed with happiness and the people endlessly inspired”

~ Kim Jong un on Joan of Arc
  • 1421 – Jews are driven out of Austria. Jews wonder why it took Austrian Christians so long.
  • 1422 – The Battle of Arbedo is fought between the Duke of Milan and Swiss forces over whether chicken Milanese or schnitzel is better.
  • 1422 – King Henry V of England dies from drinking bad wine. King Charles of France follows shortly in sympathy. Two of Europe's greatest monarchies are inherited by King Henry VI, the mighty kid aged barely a year and still sucking wet nurses for his food.
  • 1423 – The world's first living fetus is born. Scientists speculate it is actually a baby.[8]
  • 1424 – James I of Scotland returns to power after a failed apprenticeship with pirates where he chafed at being relegated to ensemble parts in their musical productions.
  • 1424 – Just as Austrian Jewish refugees arrive in Spain, King Don Alfonso V of Aragon allows Barcelona to drive out Jews. Sympathetic Basques give them berets and free seconds on wine as they pass through their territory again.
  • 1424 – Storms flood the Netherlands once again this decade. The Dutch negotiate with the Inca Empire to move the Andes to their coast but fail.
  • 1425 – Raccoon City is settled by zombies fleeing persecution by decapitation, shotgunning, fire, etc. All Jewish zombies are immediately given the boot.
  • 1427 – Jews are driven out of Bern, Switzerland. Disgusted Jews then build a starship and leave Earth.
James I of Scotland. Would you trust a king who was raised by pirates and bought his clothes from a thrift shop? I didn't think so.
  • 1428 – As a girl, Joan of Arc saw Jews building a starship near her father's farm and assumed they were angels. Religiously inspired, she made her way to the French court, where she gained the confidence of King Charles VII since he was big on religious fanatics. And while his army was initially confused about not having orders to kill all Jews, 'Kill the English' certainly agreed with them.
  • 1429 – Joan of Arc, the voodoo queen, becomes the Maid of New Orleans. She leads French forces who together get frightfully lost on the roads outside of Paris but are still able to turn back the tourist swarm besieging the Crescent City.[9]

1431 to 1440[edit]

“Nu mă, nu mă iei, nu mă, nu mă, nu mă iei / Chipul tău și dragostea din tei”

~ O-Zone on Vlad the Impaler
  • 1431Vlad the Impaler is born. His unsuspecting parents would be unaware of what he would become despite his early bloody trail of headless stuffed animals and nannies.
  • 1431 – Joan of Arc dies of a fever induced by barbecue smoke. The English chant that old classic 'She's the Witch Queen of Old Orleans' as they toast their muffins in the fire.
  • 1433 – David Dickinson is invented by students due the the lack of Countdown and Richard Whitely.
  • 1433 – Fandango the Narc rats out his brother to the DEA, making it necessary for him to invent some kind of medieval witness protection plan to place himself in.
  • 1434Australia is invented. There is much celebration until they find that it is just a big desert.
  • 1437 – Peasants revolt in Transylvania. A young Vlad has a hissy fit as he is unable to reach the doorknob to go out and attack peasants.
  • 1437 – King James I of Scotland is assassinated by upset football fans after watching their team lose a game of soccer against the hated English.
  • 1439 – Kissing is banned in England to stop the Black Death from spreading. An exception is made for noblemen to continue kissing up to the king.
Sometimes the family dog was accidentally roasted when a careless owner playing 'fetch' threw the ball into the fireplace. Tragic and delicious.
  • c.1440 – Playing cards come into use with a deck containing anywhere from 60 to 80 cards. 3 card monte immediately gained popularity amongst the simple-minded, bored soldiers and farm animals. 'Beggar Your Neighbor'[10] is played at this time using actual beggars.

1441 to 1450[edit]

“Cash me ousside. How bowdah?”

~ Danielle Bregoli on explaining the events leading to the Hundred Years War
  • 1441Eton College is founded. Initial courses in keeping a stiff upper lip, bashing peasants and drunken loutishness prove to be the most popular and have stood the test of time. Entrance requirements are stringent, requiring a family history of inbreeding and buggery back to the Iron Age.
  • 1441 – Flemish painter Jan van Eyck dies while painting a badly ventilated bathroom.
  • 1444Battle of Varna. Sultan Mehmet II sends his father Murad II to save seats in a bistro by the Black Sea. Offended crusader patrons forced to wait outside start an argument that quickly escalates. King Władysław III of Poland makes it to a table but is last seen disappearing into the men's room, never to be seen again.
  • 1445 – King Henry VI of England marries Margaret of Anjou. He is horrified by the female body[11] and refuses to touch his new spouse.
  • 1446 – Koreans begin adopting their own Hangul alphabet, confusing Chinese and Japanese to no end.
  • 1448 – Crusaders are again defeated at the Second Battle of Kosovo. Turks make many Europeans into Ottomans, literally.
  • 1448 – Christian I becomes king of Denmark after already having the 'I' as a surname.
  • 1449 – Anti-Pope Felix V anti-tenders his anti-resignation and moves to the antipodes.[12]

1451 to 1460[edit]

“I have never been to Prague in my life”

~ Michael Cohen on refusing to talk about the Wars of the Roses
Back in the day, Boy bands could also play instruments.
  • 1451 – Turkish ter'rists bomb Constantinople and rename it Konstantiniyye. Basileus George II Bush condemns the actions of the "satanic doers" and arranges an invasion of Morocco.
  • 1451 – The Catholic Church excommunicates naughty bits after they are used by Copernicus during a protest against Pope Nicholas V.
  • 1453Fall of Constantinople. The Byzantine Empire goes bust and is subject of a hostile taken over. Greek Salad is replaced by Turkish Delight.
  • 1453 – The Hundred Years War is taken to a penalty shoot-out after there is no winner after 16 years of extra-time. France scores a goal in overtime thanks to striker Dominique de Villepin. However, England strikes back through midfielder Oscar Wilde. The result of this match is still disputed, as some people claim that Germany wasn't in the Hundred Years War. But they are silly.
  • 1453 – Australia leads a 45 year war with Japan only ending in total destruction of Australia. When the President of Australia is reached and asked how did this happen, he responds with "fuck damn."
Best not to get a stomach ache in these times, as angels would descend to mock you for the sin of gluttony.
  • 1454 – Sprinting becomes incredibly popular. People begin to sprint needlessly.
  • 1454 – King Edmundo of Wales believes absolutely everything he was told no matter how far-fetched. Had become the nations plaything and eventually commits suicide at the age of 60. It is strongly believed that he is actually tricked into it by his mother.
  • 1454 – Johannes Gutenberg prints the Bible. It is his most ambitious project, while earlier printing The Flash no. 111 and other smaller works including advert flyers.
  • 1455Wars of the Roses. Misnamed, this begins over a minor misunderstanding amongst the members of the Rosen family of Ipswich. While that quickly blows over, cousin Hermione just can't let things drop and is heard complaining at her local florist shop. This escalates when other florists take sides. Soon, all of England is involved with strong letters being written to local newspapers.[13]
  • 1456 – Joan of Arc is acquitted of heresy. Everyone is sure she would have been happy to hear the news at the barbecue held after the decision.
  • 1457 – King Ladislaus the Post Humorous of Hungary dies after listening to a rude joke about Austrians. He's dead before the story teller reaches the punchline.
  • 1458 – King Henry VI holds a 'Love-in day' so that Lancastrians and Yorkists can go kissy-kissy and make up for their recent bad behaviour. When Henry falls asleep, the rival teams resume their civil war.
  • 1459 – Mother Fugger has a son, future banker Jacob.
  • 1460 – The dojo Machu Pikachu is constructed high in the Andes. It is super-effective.
  • 1460Witch burnings occur in Arras, northern France, due to a shortage of firewood.
View from the front line in just about any battle of the period.

1461 to 1470[edit]

“Punch the keys for god’s sake”

~ William Forrest on organ music in the 15th century
  • 1461Battle of Towton. A huge snowball fight between the Lancastrians and Yorkists ends in victory for the White Rose. The Red Rose snowmen are put on trial and beheaded.
  • 1461 – King James II of Scotland sneaks off for a quick smoke before starting the siege of Roxburgh. Unaware of the dangers of gun powder, James drops a dog end into a heap of black dust with explosive results for the army and especially him.
  • 1461 – Emperor David of the Forked Byzantine Empire of Trebizond surrenders to the Turks instead of going down like a hero (see Constantinople 1453). Two years later Emperor David is executed along with all his sons. His daughters are compulsory purchased by Sultan Mehmed II for his harem.
  • 1462 – Vlad III The Impaler puts his kitchen experience to good use by skewering thousands. Sultan Mehmed II is certainly impressed, wetting his pants and turning vegan the same day.
  • 1465 – Battle of Montlhéry between King Louis IX of France and the Gilets jaunes ends with a score draw and a riot.
  • 1466 – Donatello is born, coincidentally the sae day that pizza is discovered.
  • 1466 – Zoe Palaiologina (or Paleologa) changes her name to Sophia Palaiologina (or Paleolog in Russian). Pope Paul II catfishes Russian Grand Prince Ivan III into marrying her and she travels to Moscow expecting everyone there to muck up her name. And they do.
  • 1467 – The Sengoku (Warring States) period begins in Japan when a group of drunken warlords argue about splitting the tab from a sushi bar.
  • 1467 – Death of Duke Philip 'the Good' of Burgundy. A quick struggle between his sons Charles Burgundy and Ron Burgundy sees the latter banished to America to start a new career in broadcasting.[14]
Soldiers of the Golden Horde are never without their band or a few musicians to accompany them while they pillage, rape and burn. Note the large bag used for holding their tips in the form of severed heads.
  • 1468 – Charles the Bold attacks and occupies Liège in bold fashion, as expected.
  • 1468 – The War of the Ba-Ba, a name given for the conflict between the Black Sheep (Kara Koyunlu) and White Sheep (Aq Qoyunlu) in Armenia and northern Iran. The fluffy Whites win the conflict. The Goats stayed neutral. Origin of the nursery rhyme Black Sheep, White Sheep have you got any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full.
  • 1469 – King Mátyás Corvinus of Hungary goes to spy on the enemy camp but is captured. He escapes by imitating Bob Hope.
  • 1469 – Isabella of Castile marries Ferdinand of Aragon in a crossbow wedding. Their marriage eventually leads to a united Spain, discovery of America and the Spanish Inquisition.
  • 1470 – Lancaster bombers are first used in the Battle of Losecoat Field.

1471 to 1480[edit]

“You don't hear the word 'Britain' anymore. It's very interesting. It's like 'Nope'.”

~ Pres. Donald Trump on trade with England
  • 1471 – England is roiled by confusion as the major players keep changing sides. It only ends when Henry VI accidentally murders himself.
  • 1471 – Restoration of King Edward IV after he had taken a short holiday in the Netherlands and had returned to find the locks changed. Edward wreaks revenge of his Lancastrian and Rogue Yorkist enemies.
  • 1472Orkney and the Shetland Islands are given by Norway to Scotland as a dowry payment. Disappointed Scots were hoping for some nice pickled herring instead.[15]
  • 1472 – The Portuguese chronicler Luis de Camões also records in his work Os Lusiadas a scene in this year where Paulo da Gama responds 'That's what Muhammad said!' when asked a question by Vasco da Gama
  • 1474 – Peter von Hagenbach, on trial for atrocities committed by his troops in Breisach, becomes the first to utter 'I was only following orders'.
  • 1477 – Duke Charles the Bold of Burgundy dies in a battle with a Swiss roll outside Nancy's bedroom window. His body is found in the snow being chewed on by wolves. Nancy marries Mad Max von Habsburg on the rebound.
  • 1478Assassin's Creed game is launched in Florence when rival teams from the Medici and the Pazzi families start stabbing each other for real.
Queen Anne of Brittany performs magic tricks to entertain her ladies-in-waiting.
  • 1478 – George Duke of Clarence drowns in a barrel of wine. He thought he was taking a shower.
  • 1480 – The first leap year is invented.

1481 to 1490[edit]

“I don't want to live on this planet anymore”

~ Prof. Hubert Farnsworth on things in general in the 1400s
  • 1482 – Tatars plunder Kiev, leaving a chickenless Kiev.
  • 1483 – Edward V and his younger brother Richard are taken to the Tower of London and disappear. Despite the efforts of Scooby Doo and the gang, the 'Princes of the Tower' are never found. Richard III crowns himself king just in case they never show again
  • 1483 – Tomas de Torquemada is made head inquisitor in Spain. Everyone quickly grows tired of being asked 'Do you even lift?'
  • 1484 – William Caxton prints Aesop's Fables. On the way to the bank, he sees his reflection when crossing a river and thinks it is a thief with his money bag. He goes after the thief and drowns.
  • 1484Ingsoc is founded. Doubleplusgood.
  • 1485 – King Matthias of Hungary takes Vienna from Holy Roman Emperor Frederick III during a spirited game of Monopoly.
  • 1485Battle of Bosworth ends when King Richard III of England tries to punch Henry Tudor. Dick misses his target and is then squashed to death by a band of drunken Welsh rugby fans.
  • 1487 – The German Beer Purity Law is passed declaring that beer should only contain water, malt and hops. Sales in neighboring countries of yellow and brown dyes and foamy soap remain steady.
  • 1487 – The War of the Roses attempts to make a comeback in the Battle of Stoke Field. The Yorkist rebels are routed and used as compost by the victorious King Henry 'Taffy' VII.
  • 1488 – Bartolomeu Dias sails around the Cape of Good Hope[16] after remembering to pull up the anchor.
  • 1488 – King James III of Scotland is killed in a Glaswegian bar room fight by 'Bell the Cat', a fearsome moggie with very sharp claws.
  • 1488 – The alt-right movement is founded.
  • 1490 – Juan Ponce de Leon discovers the Fountain of Youth in Florida, shrugs and sets up a retirement community around it.[17]
Proof that George Washington and not Columbus discovered America.

1491 to 1500[edit]

“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see”

~ Unknown on explorers thinking they have discovered a new land
  • 1492Christopher Columbus sails west to India, discovering a new route for the drug trade. He cagily states 'The spice must flow'. He claims to discover what is now known as the Americas. This is still believed by over half of all US denizens today, which is remarkable in that if they lived in Columbus’s time, they would have been considered too stupid to even be made into slaves. Columbus and his righthand man Sebastian Pedobear control the child slavery trade personally.
  • 1492 – The Reconquista ends and the last Moor is driven from the good Christian soil that is Iberia. In this year the last Moorish sultan, Muhammad XII, surrenders Granada to Ferdinand and Isabella of Castile and quietly withdraws his people to Africa. Little did Muhammad know, the Spanish have very little respect for diplomacy and peace and his cowardly act soon makes him the laughingstock of all Spain. This results in the people of Spain dropping the use of 'YO MAMA!' to justify humorless statements and replacing it with 'YO SULTAN!'.
  • 1493 – Christopher Columbus sails farther west and falls off the side of the world after jousting with the Mickey Mouse Club. Columbus then wins the EFL championship coaching the Spanish Armada.
  • 1493 – Native Americans of the Carolina Nation begin development of a nuclear submarine after seeing how Columbus treats their counterparts in the Bahamas. The FBI is also created to combat the alien menace.
  • 1494 – The first pilgrims begin to set sail for the New World, but are sunk by German U-boats.
  • 1494 – On his second voyage, Columbus lands in Jamaica where natives teach him to smoke ganja. He is later unable to remember where Jamaica is.
Leonardo da Vinci's Last Supper is actually named This is the last supper we're going to have at this crap joint, ever. The artist was unable to paint Jesus as the waiter refused to move.
  • 1494 – Called 'feeble, arrogant and undisciplined', Piero de'Medici uses the Medici family method of poisoning to eliminate the head of Florence, and his father Lorenzo become the leader. Before he could drum up the courage to bump off his father, Lorenzo dies and Piero becomes the ruler. However, he cuts and runs when the French army appears on the horizon. With both the French and angry Florentines pursuing, Piero shows great running ability but poor swimming when he drowns trying to run across the Garigliano River.
  • 1495 – Unimpressed by Christopher Columbus' attempt to reach the Far East by sailing west, navigator Ernesto de Borgnine attempts to reach the Americas by sailing east. His ship crashes into the Cadiz docks thirty seconds into his journey.[18]
  • 1495 – To further humiliate Christopher Columbus and his Old Navy, Juan Valdez invents the New Navy.
  • 1495 – The common cold kills 5 million native Americans. It is apprehended and convicted based on DNA evidence, but is released on parole after serving only 6 years.
  • 1495 – Scotch whiskey is first recorded, with fighting over whether it is 'whisky' or 'whiskey' causing most of the year's production to be spilled. The angels still get their share.
  • 1496 – Lucrezia Borgia opens a restaurant but people are wise to her ways with poison and avoid it. In a flash of brilliance, she converts it to poisoned takeaway only and the eatery becomes a big success, with a few awkward moments when spouses or business partners run into each other whilst waiting in line.[19]
  • 1497 – John Cabot claims Canada for England, thinking he is in Asia because he just 'knows' the seals and whales he sees are Chinese.
  • 1497 – Amerigo Vespucci invents the scooter. Later that year, a Jew takes Vasco da Gama to work.
  • 1498Vasco da Gama reaches India and wonders why there are so many Chinese restaurants there.
  • 1499Switzerland becomes independent when Austria decides it has enough snow already.
  • 1500 – Pedro Álvares Cabral claims Brazil and its nuts for Portugal.[20]

See also[edit]

Footnotes[edit]

  1. What is it about that? The pastries? Timur with the Village People. Go West, Casablanca Records (1979)
  2. Heigh ho.
  3. Colón, Cristóbal. Arbeit macht frei (1492).
  4. (Amer.) parakeet. Stroud, Robert Diseases of Canaries, Leavenworth Publications (1936).
  5. Yes, I'm sure it's John and not Joan. IMDb. retrieved 11 September 1410.
  6. Madoff, Bernie. Trust in Investing pg. 44 (1422)
  7. Shakespeare, William. Henry the Something, passim (1599)
  8. Spock, Dr. Benjamin. Insert lame Star trek joke here Merkel Press (1955)
  9. de Cleese, John. She's a wiiitch (1429)
  10. (Am.) Go Fish. Hoyle, Edmond. Card Games According to Me (1742)
  11. It was the sight of Margaret's breasts that did it.
  12. Anti-Pope Felix. Happy?! Do I look happy?!! private correspondence (1449)
  13. Brand, Russell. The Compleat Historical Record of the British Isles pp. 1555-1921, Borzoi Books (1927)
  14. Chevalier, Maurice. There Is Nothing Like a Good Burgundy (1933)
  15. They did, however, get a pony.
  16. Also known as the Cape of Good Bob Hope for awhile until Bing Crosby got jealous.
  17. Jumping the gun, are we?
  18. Ernesto would be proven to be correct as a large population of primitive people existed in that direction. Zagat Guide to Spain, passim, (1996).
  19. Michelin Guide pg. 322, (1497)
  20. Carioca, Jose. Aquarela do Brasil, Odeon (1939)