UnNews:Trump and Buffett set for bidding war on Greenland

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
Trump and Buffett set for bidding war on Greenland

Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

UnNews Logo Potato.png
Monday, October 21, 2019, 00:27:59 (UTC)

The Uncyclopedia page on FacebookNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

UnNews RSS FeedIndexesRandom story

20 August 2019

A concept photo published by Trump asserted that casino development on Greenland could occur without disturbing the character of the neighborhood.

OMAHA, Nebraska -- U.S. President Donald Trump is not the only high roller who might be competing to buy Greenland.

Trump asked White House aides to explore the possibility of acquiring the sparsely populated ice paradise that costs owner Denmark $600 million in subsidies every year. "I asked the nations of Europe three years ago to pay their fair share of defense costs!" he stated. "In the case of Denmark, we would happily accept 'payment-in-kind.'"

A spokesman for Greenland Premier Kim Kielsen said, "Of course, Greenland is not for sale." Trump chief economic counselor Larry Kudlow replied, "That is a tough initial position, but it signals a willingness to negotiate." Kudlow went on to assure NBC's Chuck Todd that there is "no way" the United States will slump into a recession the way it did just after the last time he gave such a guarantee, and that Trump's 2017 tax cut will start "paying for itself" any day now.

However, Warren Buffett, the American mogul who gave his name to the nation's favorite breakfast option, is reportedly sitting on $112,000 million dollars and it is burning a hole in his pocket, literally. The amount is "far beyond" the level that executives of Berkshire Hathaway prefer. But the huge conglomerate has not made any major acquisitions since 2016. Buffett complains that asking prices are too high, because corporate chief executives are like "oversexed teens," while the 88-year-old "Oracle of Omaha" and his lieutenants are not.

Buffett said, however, that "there are probably a dozen countries in the world...that we would be interested in." UnNews Senior Editors noted that Gabon and Paraguay are among the countries unlikely to be overpriced.

In contrast to the Berkshire Hathaway war chest, the U.S. Government is chronically deep in debt, despite occasional spasms toward a Balanced Budget Amendment. Thus, Buffett is in an enviable position in the competition to own Greenland.

If outbid for Greenland, Trump could turn his attention elsewhere. There are attractive bits of Mexico that could be broken off, such as Baja California, perhaps in exchange for peace on the tariff front or for help for Mexican President Lopez Obrador in his war with the Sinaloa Dance Cartel, and Canada might be persuaded to part with the Maritime Provinces. Trump could always sweeten these deals by throwing in Puerto Rico, as the foreign leaders might not realize the lights are still not back on there. Trump noted that American management of Arizona and New Mexico, since their acquisition, has worked out well. On the other hand, the American purchase of the state of Alaska in 1867 from Russia has always been ridiculed as "Seward's Folly," and has resulted in chronic disasters, from ANWR to Sarah Palin. But Trump insisted, "I am a much better negotiator."

Sources[edit]