UnNews:Twitter down; staff trying to eradicate virus

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15 October 2020

Moments before the Twitter servers began catching fire, heuristics informed users that "Something went wrong."

SAN FRANCISCO, California -- The entire Twitter social-media service crashed on Thursday. Twitter chief Jack Dorsey said it was an unanticipated side-effect of trying to "eradicate" the coronavirus.

Worldwide eradication of every last copy of the virus has proven to be a difficult task requiring elected officials to innovate like never before: multiple "reopening phases," each with five or six "stages," snitch lines to report excessive merrymaking, and insistence that the hospitality industry operate in fun-free mode. The entire economy is reeling, except the manufacturers of ONE WAY signs and Plexiglas.® (Mask manufacturers are also booming, but all of them are in China.)

Twitter conducted a trial eradication on Wednesday, hoping to get every last copy of a story in the New York Post that a laptop computer inexplicably abandoned at a Delaware repair shop had enough information for a scandal a day all the way through November 3 — serial bombshells that would tell a news-starved nation what it already knew: that potential First Son Hunter Biden was a crack-addled whore-meister selling access to his father, then the Vice President, to America's enemies.

The scandal was disclosed by Rudy Giuliani, former New York City mayor and now personal lawyer to President Donald Trump, who got the data from his own lawyer — a watertight "chain of custody" for the waterlogged laptop that means any claim Giuliani makes in the next three weeks will also have unassailable pedigree.

Biden has denied everything, insisting that his is the only family that has chosen politics as a career that never discusses it at home. The Biden campaign noted that there are no entries in Biden's itinerary for the days in question stating, "Accept Half of China Bribe." Other East Coast newspapers also disparage the report. The New York Times noted that the article in its cross-town rival falls short of its own standard: four sources speaking on condition of anonymity.

As Twitter tried to filter every last link to the Post, Republicans in Congress sprang into action, as they had "stress-tested" financial institutions after the 2008 mortgage virus, infecting the service with new copies. Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) re-typed the entire Post story manually, and was last seen in the House's basement gymnasium working out to try to restore feeling to his index finger, a vital extremity for pointing or wagging at committee witnesses.

Twitter's countermeasures extended to banning users, ensnaring the official Trump campaign account and that of Presidential Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany. Dorsey held a press conference explaining that all of the above had been a technical "glitch" and was in no way designed to "censor" anyone or anything.

However, emboldened by its partial success, Twitter embarked the next day on eradicating all copies of the coronavirus from its servers. Unfortunately, as Ohio Governor Mike DeWine (R-OH) recently stated, "This virus has a mind of its own." Corona got cranky and shut down Twitter around the world.

Markets crashed, anticipating that the nation will respond more irrationally to Soggy-laptop-gate than it did to Covid, and that National Mask Czar Anthony Fauci would be "forced" to respond with another business lockdown along the lines of the one at Twitter.