Hillsdale College

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Hillsdale College
Hillsdale college seal.jpg
Motto Virtus Tentamine Gaudet
What does it mean Be virtuous, tentative, and gaudy
Student body 1,486
Faculty 164
Endowment No one is supposed to notice such things

Hillsdale College in Hillsdale, Michigan is a coeducational institution granting degrees including the Doctor of Reaganomics.

National Review has called Hillsdale "the conservative Harvard," while Mother Jones refers to it as "an awful place to smoke dope and get laid." It is notorious for its regularity in poking a curricular finger in the eye of government. Its Division II wrestling team plays in both the Greco-Roman and Judeo-Christian formats.

Hillsdale is so God-awfully far from any expressway that going home for the weekend is as tedious as the universally mandated reading of the classics.


The original building of Hillsdale College. The Student Senate was at the right end, while the other house was on the other end, which is never referred to as the left wing.

Hillsdale was founded as Michigan Boondocks College, as the town of Hillsdale at that point was called Spring Arbor and just as far from civilization as it is today. Hillsdale was pious before piety even became fashionable, its charter prohibiting excluding anyone from anything because of religious opinions, and being equally willing to nag Christians as heathens. Hillsdale was affiliated with the Free will Baptists, as is only Bates College in Maine, and Hillsdale remains the choice of all students who do not want to leave with a resumé listing their "Masters-Bates."

Hillsdale also prohibited race and sex discrimination, admitting African Americans (who weren't called that yet) in 1844, and in 1851 graduating Michigan's first woman student with the Spinster of Arts. In 1856, it became Michigan's largest college, as in that century learning still used to win out over creating new jobs in government.

Edmund Burke Fairfield, who led Hillsdale from 1848 to 1869, made the nearby city of Jackson one of a dozen places with competing claims as the birthplace of the Republican Party. He also invited Douglas and someone close to Lincoln to come to campus to debate, although they didn't, because they didn't.

In the late 1800s, after students returned from fighting the American Civil War, the college grew to encompass several gimmicky schools and curricula, and the first of its fraternities opened: Ono Mato Poeia, whose members have never gone on a panty raid.

For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Hillsdale College.

At the start of the 1900s, Hillsdale gained prestige by removing the cattle fence that surrounded it, leaving Michigan State as the place that youngsters would have to attend if they wanted to spend their days admiring cows. President Joseph Ward Mauck governed Hillsdale for decades and developed the first Honor Code, though it was technically unnecessary, as any livestock that students might pester had wandered away. The college went on to build an arboretum, a field house, and other college-ish things.

President George Roche III took over in 1971 and extended Mauck's work to a Dishonor Code, which covered a 19-year-long off-and-on affair with his daughter-in-law. The college did not publish the Dishonor Code, but did publish Imprimis, a monthly journal of opinion that quoted many famous Republicans, though none concerning the affair. Roche was not faulted for the resulting suicide, as the administration believes he had had plenty of affairs with other women who did not go on to kill themselves. However, professors referred to his tenure using terms like Gestapo, Stalinist, and a cult, leading the way for new levels of hyperbole to issue from Faculty Lounges throughout the nation.


The former arboretum was nice while it lasted, but ultimately had to make way for this modern example of Bricko-Roman architecture.

In the late 1970s, the federal government of the United States required Hillsdale to complete paperwork under Title IX of the Civil rights act, and to show pornography in the student center on weekends under Title XXX.

Hillsdale sued and the Sixth Circuit agreed that Hillsdale could throw the forms in the trash, but said the government could take it out on the students. However, in 1984, Grove City College lost a related case, the Supreme Court ruling that colleges had to fulfill federal requirements even if they didn't take a dime of government money, if any of their students did — the fiscal version of racism's "one-drop" rule.

Both colleges defiantly closed the spigot on all federal grants and loans. Hillsdale College made a point of providing students with the same financial assistance the State of Michigan would have granted, and did not make a point of the fact that tuition approximately doubled at the same time.

The original dispute concerned racial equality, but Hillsdale already had more African Americans on its football teams than the total permitted to enter Florida in the 1950s. Roche himself famously stood in the doorway of the Administration Building with an axe-handle; not indeed to ward off Negroes, who were already on the inside, but census-takers with clipboards from the State of Michigan.

In 2000, Larry P. Arnn became President, the State of Michigan sent more people with clipboards, and Arnn criticized the operation, using "inflammatory" language reportedly more bigoted than the bean-count itself. The College apologized, on official letterhead, to "any stuffed shirts from Lansing who might have been offended." Arnn otherwise stuck to less controversial moves, such as doing things that had worked before, again building a field house (but calling it an Athletic Center this time) and again doing an arboretum, but extending it to be a complete row of shrub trees. This left Wikipedia nothing to complain about but his exorbitant salary.


Hillsdale students are threatened to banishment at the satellite campus in Livingston County if their grade-point average is sub-par.

Hillsdale operates several programs and satellite colleges that dress up Republican outreach as "higher education," modeled after Harvard's John F. Kennedy School of Good Government [sic] and, in nearby Brockton, the Rocky Marciano School of Diplomacy.

Center for Constructive Alternatives

This center brings speakers to the main campus, for the primary purpose of making the next month's issue of Imprimis thick enough to require a staple or two. These digests are sent to over two million subscribers, although centers endowed by the Koch Brothers produce election-eve postcards that have a wider readership, if you count their trash-can-ship. The Center is also known as the Talk Radio Network Booking Agency.

Graduate work at the Center for Constructive Alternatives features study in creating inscrutably vague names for political organizations. The advocacy group "Citizens for Political Solutions" was conceived here. The Center has its own embedded fraternity, a chapter of Alpha Oxy Moron.

Barney School Initiative

This program is constructing a K-through-12 curriculum that is actually pro-American and hopes to have it in place before either Common Core or International Baccalaureate and their innovations, such as spending the entire seventh grade studying Che Guevara.

The program was named after Barney from Sesame Street, Barney Fife, and Barney Rubble, a triumvirate that supervises its efforts.

Rumsfeld School of Military Prediction

The Rumsfeld School, in Washington, D.C., features coursework in anticipating postwar insurgencies, detecting Weapons of Mass Destruction, and forming world-class conundrums. Students who matriculate are experts at not knowing what they do not know.


Hillsdale's varsity athletics program competes against not only Grove City College but any other institution of higher learning accredited by Conservapedia. Student-athletes learn respect for property as well as the Double Steal. Those who do not make the varsity team can enjoy intramural recreation at the Richard B. Cheney shooting range.

See also

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