UnNews:Trump plans peaceful transition

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The news outlet with approval higher than Congress UnNews Saturday, July 31, 2021, 12:02:59 (UTC)

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8 January 2021

The President has been burning the night oil working on ways to parlay an electoral defeat into a victory.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump has tacked to a new course in his effort to "Make America Great Again" after making it great and then wrecking it over the Coronavirus — this time conceding that Joe Biden is going to be the next U.S. President in two weeks, after all.

The remarkable shift came after a large group of angry voters whom he sent to the Capitol to protest "peacefully" turned violent and deadly. It was the first-ever "large" pro-Trump protest, the past ones always being reported as "dozens" of marchers, though they picked up after themselves. This one did not, and featured marchers wearing Viking hats and helmets, carrying weapons, and sporting Nazi tattoos. However, the Washington Post stated that there is no proof beyond a reasonable doubt that the mob had been infiltrated by the other mob that had been torching American cities all summer.

Artist's rendition of the typical Trump supporter. Courtesy Washington Post

Trump's strategic parkour comes after a month of trying unsuccessfully to persuade state legislatures, the Congress, the Supreme Court, and the public that the election was not as it seems, that such a popular President must have "won by a landslide" on record turnout by bankrupt businessmen and student-athletes whose careers had been put on hold with a wink from the White House. The campaign tirelessly insisted that Biden had "lost a step intellectually," a curious use of the left's usual theme, "Look in the mirror and call your opponent the worst thing you see." It is "statistically impossible," to quote a Trump witness, that the septuagenarian opponents could both have lost a step.

Twitter and other social media sites dusted off the hashtag #TrumpOwnsEveryDeath — there were four in the evening's "mostly peaceful" melee — and took pre-emptive action to ensure that Trump would not confuse matters by telling his side of the story. Journalists like Shepard Smith displayed their sensibilities by cutting off Trump spokesmen in mid-sentence — some, like Donald Trump Jr., graciously giving them cover by employing obscenities.

Trump deftly shifted to the claim that his appointees to the Supreme Court and the Vice Presidency had the personal duty to do their jobs wrong by way of repayment — this strategem tapping out when Vice President Mike Pence elected to follow the Twelfth Amendment and read out the states' Electoral Votes rather than declare who the winner was, the Constitution being "pretty clear" that the states decide who they want for President and not vice versa. At that point, the only way to make the session last until four in the morning (so Members could exit without smelling tear gas) was for them to object to returns from individual states (each objection by law requiring two hours). As none of the states in question had objected, Senators tired after two of these, almost as fast as they once raced through the task of (1) removing Bill Clinton from office and (2) removing Trump from office.

To add injury to insult, social media banned both Linseed Wood (left) and Trump, as being perennial pains in the ass violates the Terms of Service.

The previous Trump strategy had hit a brick wall in Georgia, site of a rare January double-runoff election for U.S. Senate, where left-wing billionaires had poured in money to turn out the urban vote, while Trump twice visited the state personally and talked about himself. Trump's lawyer L. Linseed Wood convinced hundreds of thousands of Georgia Republicans that their elections were fixed and there was no point even voting, a strategy that succeeded completely, except at winning. These patriots proudly expressed their remorse for losing the White House by losing the Senate too.

Television networks then shook the Cabinet tree until several unripe apples fell off, multiple department heads resigning two weeks early in protest of the protest. The action is meaningless except for their hopes for a future in politics. A coalition of friends and foes strategized on removing Trump two weeks early too, this action also meaningless except for the hopes that Trump will not have a future in politics.

Thus, the Trump Presidency — begun when millions frustrated with America's political establishment declared their willingness to "burn it all down" — ended the same way.

Sources[edit]

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.