UnNews:Trump: I "stopped" looting and vandalism

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

The news outlet with approval higher than Congress UnNews Wednesday, August 5, 2020, 16:14:59 (UTC)

Trump: I "stopped" looting and vandalism UnNews Logo Potato.png

2 July 2020

The President shows reporters the swing he used when breaking the plate-glass windows at Macy's.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump claimed on Thursday to have "stopped" looting and vandalism.

Looting and vandalism had been a prominent feature of his turbulent administration, including

He also claimed that his threat of action caused local officials in Seattle to retake an "autonomous zone" in its downtown. It is not clear what looting and vandalism Trump threatened for Seattle.

It is not clear for how long he has "stopped" looting and vandalism. Pundits say he might resume the practices if elected to a second term on November 3. Trump is on a twelve-step program and stopped the practices by signing what he called a bill, which was actually an Executive Order. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi seized on this overt lie and suggested the House might haul him back in for Impeachment. She said, "My members will also want to know when he 'stopped' beating his wife."

In a basement across the capital, Trump's presumed opponent for the Presidency, Democrat Joe Biden, said he rallied 600 lawyers for possible "chicanery" during the upcoming campaign. It is as poorly known what chicanery the lawyers intend to commit as it is what vandalism the President "stopped" committing.

Some speculate that the 600 lawyers are a defensive force against Republican chicanery. However, having that many lawyers in one place — any number taking the plural, in fact — and with the same client, to boot — makes it unavoidable that they will author some independent mischief.

Sources[edit]