Hayden Christensen

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Hayden at the 2017 Star Wars Celebration, attempting to deflect a barrage of sand-related jokes from the audience.

Hayden A. Christensen (born April 19, 1981) is a Canadian prettyboy actor. He is best known for playing Anakin "Mannequin" Skywalker in the Star Wars prequels, as well as being in some other movies like Life as a House, Shattered Glass, and Jumper which nobody really knows much about, though his acting is supposedly better in those movies.

Early life

Christensen was the illegitimate child of Star Wars creator George Lucas and Star Wars actress Carrie Fisher from during their brief fling, and actually had a cameo as the slight bulge on Fisher's gut during her bikini scene in Return of the Jedi, filmed in 1980. He was given up for adoption to a kindly Canadian couple, being the youngest of their four children. His adoptive older sister, Hejsa, is a former trampoline champion who was in a Pringles commercial, while his adoptive aunt, supermodel Helena Christensen, was recently voted Denmark's most beautiful lefty. Hayden's middle name, "Amanda", was chosen because his adoptive parents wanted another girl so bad, so when they didn't, they compromised their adoptive son's name to fill the void. He was so embarrassed that he legally changed it later on; whenever he signs his name "Hayden A. Christensen", he tells people the "A." is just a letter he put there because he has no middle name.

Christensen was raised in Thornhill, Ontario outside Toronto and attended Baythorn Public School as a child. In 1985, a four-year-old Hayden played a bit part in his preschool's Thanksgiving play. Angry that he was not given the role of Squanto, little Hayden emphatically shouted his one line, "Pass the stuffing", before breaking down in dramatic tears. It was his "wear your emotions on your sleeve" style which attracted him to the masses. After this, he went to Unionville High School, where he played on the Jedi Hockey Team against the Sith but later switched teams, and graduated properly from all his courses excluding Light Side Studies. He then went to the so-called drama college Arts York, where he was fawned over by the mindless action girls but got hazed and beaten up by the pretentious film noir boys, who hated his "wooden" and "monotone" attitude.

Christensen was raised in Canada, but eventually returned to his birthplace the States because of the poor television programming in Canada.


1993–2001: Early career

In 1993, Christensen was on a German–Canadian junk show, Family Passions. The following year, he had a minor role in John Carpenter's In the Month of Madness. In 1995, he had another bit part in Street Law and television films Love and Betrayal: The Mia Farrow Story and Harrison Bergeron (who changed his last name to "Ford"). In 1996, he got yet another stale little part in the television film No Greater Love, then went home and left acting for dead. Shortly after, Hayden's career rose from the grave and he starred in the horror show Goosebumps, in two-part episode "Night of the Living Dummy", where he plays the dummy (12-year-old Zane the idiot). In 1998, he had a huge part in The Hairy Bird where he has a cameo in a tree with the bird; he's shown for about three seconds. Next, he had a very humongous part in 1999's Free Fall where he fell of a cliff, and died in time for them to make the movie The Virgin Suicides the same year.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Hayden Christensen.

In 2001, Christensen starred in the movie Life as a House, where he played the house because all the other parts were taken. He got three awards for the "Breakthrough Performance of the Year", plus most of the girls liked his good looks. So far, it all worked out perfectly for Hayden's career, but he still desired more. He wanted to get some good news out of his fellow actors; he wanted people to tell him his acting was good, and that they wanted to put him in another movie, but all he received was lowly compensation: nine TV remotes, three Goosebumps-themed Pop Tarts, and seven AOL floppy discs. Little did he know that his true calling in life was right around the corner.

2002–2005: Star Wars

Little Ani gets to mack on some babe with as much charisma as he has.

“Fun while filming with him, I had.”

~ Yoda on Hayden Christensen

“He was the Chosen One! It was said that he'd destroy George Lucas's stale vacuous dialogue, not join it! Bring balance to the franchise, not leave it all in darkness!”

~ Ewan McGregor on Hayden Christensen

In 2002, Hayden finally got some good news when Star Wars creator George Lucas decided to track down his bastard child, and in an incredibly creative way of messing with the courts, he declared he would pay child support in the form of a salary for playing one of the most iconic characters in the history of film. Lucas cast his son as Anakin Skywalker, pre-Darth Vader transformation, in Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, a low-budget documentary which criticizes the use of replicants on Kamino. Hayden was relieved to see his real dad for the first time, and he also got to kiss Natalie Portman (who played his lover Padmé Amidala; lucky bastard), bitch at Ewan McGregor (who played his master Obi-Wan Kenobi), and look Ian McDiarmid (who played his Dark Side seducer Palpatine) straight in the eyes. While shooting the scene where he's riding on the jetbike to find his in-universe mother Shmidt, Hayden found out that George Lucas was 58 and dried his face with sandpaper after sweating in embarrassment from thinking Lucas was 68. George didn't mind, but Hayden still apologized for saying his dad was 68.

Christensen's role in Star Wars made him a star, as it did with most people who starred in Star Wars (hence the Star in the title). Girls went gaga for him, and he was ranked in two magazines under the categories "50 Hottest People in the Sun" and "50 Coldest People in the Snow", as well as winning 11 Oscars and 38 Meyers for Best Actor. Film critics Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper said that "This young man has an unparalleled ability to act, which can only be explained as a gift from God"; when he heard their comments, Hayden immediately called up Father George, and thanked him for this gift. However, not all was well for him; some critics panned Hayden's acting style, which turned on a dime from over-the-top, melodramatic overacting in one scene, to wooden, monotone underacting in another, and attempted to publicly shame and humiliate him by means of throwing pies at him. He won the Golden Raspberry Award for "Worst Supporting Actor", but retorted by eating its contents and spitting seeds out at the critics.

In-between Star Wars gigs, Hayden starred in the 2003 movie Shattered Glass, where he played Stephen Broken. Glass, the lying journalist who shatters said glass. It's the true story of a man who loves to read, write, study, sing in the rain, pathologically lie, have no real emotions with only a vague idea of how to imitate them, and break glass. There was no Lucas, Obi-Wan, or Padmé around for this movie, so Hayden actually did a pretty good job and got to act without bitching and whining.

Christensen stretching his arms whilst his former friend Ewan McGregor attempts to stab his leather-sheathed armpit with a semi-erect lightsaber.

By the time Episode III: It's Over Anakin, Because Obi-Wan Has the HIGH GROUND began production, Hayden had no job at all and was $3 million in debt, and his fellow actors kept making fun of him which he hated. Lucas asked him to reprise his role as Anakin in Revenge, and if he didn't, they would have to get Fay Wray instead; Hayden accepted. He was relieved when Episode III came out in 2005 and it was a smashing success because now millions of girls fawned over him again, he became popular again, and he made enough money from his salary to pay off his extensive library fines. Allegedly, after the movie's Hollywood premiere, Christensen got lost in a local Wal-Mart three times while trying to find Star Wars action figures of Anakin (he's always been a devout fan of his character).

2006–present: Dive back into irrelevance

After starring in Episode III, Hayden was freed from the shackles of Star Wars. When making the prequels, George Lucas had consulted his longtime friend Francis Ford Coppola about the ideas of nepotism in casting for Star Wars, and vowed never to make that mistake again when they were finished. Some fans believe Lucas should've casted Shia LaBeouf instead, although others believe he would've only been slightly less annoying as Ani instead of Hayden; apparently George Lucas listened to the former group when he cast Shia as Indy's son in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

In 2008, Hayden starred in the direct-to-Betamax film Jumper, one of the most innovative time travel stories that didn't involve DeLoreans or phone booths. Like with Shattered Glass, there was no Lucas, Obi-Wan, or Padmé in this, yet somehow, Hayden inexplicably returned to the style of bitching and whining, unlike the actual acting chops he demonstrated in Shattered Glass. Just by jumping in the air, Jumper can jump through time to witness time periods where prettyboy actors weren't unwittingly coaxed by senile directors into inadvertently contributing to the ruin of beloved franchises. The movie did go on to prove that not only are his acting skills underdeveloped, but his jumping skills are as well.

At age 29, Hayden discovered the existence of old age, sickness, and death, becoming a wandering aesthetic on the streets of Hollywood. By 2010, no longer confined to life inside studio lots, he traveled to China and discovered enlightenment under the shade of the wooden Nicholas Cage for 2014's Outcast.

From 2015 to 2019, nostalgic Millennials petitioned for Christensen to play Anakin's Force Ghost in a Star Wars sequel trilogy movie, despite the howlings and protests of older fans. Because the media likes bringing up an underdog who they previously bashed into oblivion, they too reported that Hayden would play Anakin's Force Ghost in Star Wars Episode IX: No One's Ever Really Gone, although this turned out to be a mere one-second voice cameo.

Since then, Hayden has not really been seen in the public eye much, though he has gotten over 146,299 offers for reality shows. He is apparently also a musician, and audiences everywhere love his great piano playing.

Personal life

Hayden wearing yellow eye contacts.

Hayden loves pizza, lasagna, spaghetti, and various other Italian foods. His favorite person in the world is Justin Timberlake, and he even modeled his hair after Timberlake's for Attack of the Clones. He also is allergic to bees and high cholesterol, and allegedly hates sand due to its rough, coarse, and pervasive nature. He supposedly has poor eyesight, and wears contact lenses; some claim this is why his character Anakin turned to the dark side and got yellow eyes. When Christensen became an actor, he had to let go of some of the things he loved the most, because it is the Jedi way. For instance, he was only 12 when he found out that Santa Claus wasn't real.

Hayden has had a very private, silent life, especially since George Lucas's ridiculous dialogue crippled his reputation. Since he has not talked very much before, his friend thinks he's got something wrong with his gut.


Since the release of Attack of the Clones, where Natalie Portman played Hayden's in-universe lover, every screaming teenage girl in the world is jealous of her. Although he denies it, Christensen has a love for Portman deep down in his leg, which is part of the reason why he limps. Hayden was married to Rachel Bilson from 2007 to 2017; before this he had over thirty-two girlfriends, one every two years. He has been attacked out of jealousy by his former girlfriend Sienna "Millin' Millie" Miller, who also attempted to Force-choke Portman and Bilson. He's tried to live with Jude Law, who's got no girlfriend, and they want to be bachelors together.

See also

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