Count Dooku

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"I vant to suck your bloo... No, wrong movie. Sauron will rule over all... damnit. The Force is strong in you young Skywalker. Yes, there we go."

Count Dooku, also known as Darth Tyrannosaurus Tyranus, is a genre-confused antagonist in the Star Wars prequels, portrayed by Sir Christopher Lee in one of the many cases of good actors putting out lackluster performances. A hybrid of Dracula and Sudoku, Dooku is a Sith Lord who leads the Separatists against the Republic in the Clone Wars, fashioning himself as "a political idealist, not a murderer."

Dooku is known for his unusually-curved lightsaber, commanding deep voice, and ability to do crazy backflips even though he's older than dirt. It should be noted that, when read in French, Dooku's name sounds like "doux cul", which translates to "silky ass" (though given his old age, this descriptor would perhaps apply better to his hair rather than his posterior).

Biography[edit]

Life as a Count[edit]

A painting of Dooku from centuries ago. See, because he was really old.

As with any other vampire, Dooku was born on the planet Sereno in the haunted region of Traa'sil Vunya. His parents were fans of Green Day, and named their child after the band's breakthrough album. Later in his life, to avoid humiliation, Dooku dropped the "-ie" from his name and replaced it with a more ethnic-sounding "-u".

Apart from his relations with the Jedi Council, the Sith Order, and finally, the business end of Anakin's lightsaber, the old fart had obligations with regards to his status as Count of Monte Fisto. He usually liked to reside in his castle abode, deep underground in a coffin, waking up occasionally to wreak havoc among the peasants. He occasionally held meetings at the Town Hall after which he was kind enough to lop off every attendees head and put them out of any misery they might have had.

Dooku was also required to attend several socialite dinner parties where his vampiric delusions were somewhat of a liability, as he occasionally bit the necks of female guests and sucked their blood. He was eventually cured by forming an alternate obsession with numbers, which though equally irritating, was certainly less fatal. As a member of the Galactic House of Lords, Dooku was sure to show up for every meeting of the Senate. He did this mainly for the sandwiches, but it later proved useful because his one vote managed to gain full majority in the Upper House and helped him vote Palpatine into power.

As a count, Dooku had to frequently deal with the threat of public uprising. There were many cults dedicated to the eradication of the aristocracy and every member of the House of Lords (well, except for...you know). There were rumors that Dooku's death was even engineered by one such cult. At any rate, after his death the groups disbanded saying that they had wiped out one third of the population of Lords in the galaxy, and their work was done.

Life as a Jedi and Sith[edit]

Later in life, Dooku grew tired of his nocturnal, secluded lifestyle and abandoned the Vampire Order. He joined the Jedi Order under Yoda, and later apprenticed shaggy hippy Jedi Qui-Gon Jinn. Unfortunately, Dooku was later seduced by Darth Sidious, who promised that joining the Dark side would warrant more Milky Way bars. Dooku offered for Qui-Gon to join him, but found he could not bite his apprentice and turn him into a fellow vampire turn his apprentice to the Dark Side.

Like all proper members of High society, by the time Dooku had joined the Sith, his manhood was extremely small and shriveled due to old age. Thus, when becoming a Sith Lord, he overcompensated by choosing the appropriately "massive-sounding" name of Darth Tyrannosaurus. His master Sid (affectionately dubbed Uncle Sid) and several others constantly mispronounced his name as Tyrannus (which stuck, by the way) causing Dooku to become gruff and hostile and exclaim "Eh, what's all this, what, right ho, pip pip, what!?"

Attack of the Clones[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Count Dooku.

In Episode II: Attack of the Clones, Dooku leads the Confederacy of Independent Systems, a conspiracy of star systems that want to secede from the Republic and completely bore movie-going audiences with misplaced subplots about politics. He also authorizes an assassination attempt on Senator Padmé Amidala, and develops a battle droid army with Trade Federation Viceroy Nute Gunray in hopes of making the Republic their bitch.

Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi is assigned to investigate Padmé's assassination, and the trail leads him to the Separatist headquarters on Geonosis, where he is captured for eavesdropping. While in captivity, Dooku reveals to Obi-Wan that the Republic is under the control of a Sith Lord named Darth Sidious, whose identity is Chancellor Palpatine completely unknown to people watching the film. Later, Obi-Wan's Padawan Anakin Skywalker and his girlfriend Padmé Amidala arrive to rescue him, but get captured due to not actually bothering to come up with a rescue plan, and the three are sentenced to death by Dooku. Unfortunately, the executions are halted by the timely arrival of a massive Mexican Clone Army, and Dooku is forced to flee.

Obi-Wan and Anakin corner Dooku in a hangar and engage him in a lightsaber duel. Anakin once again proves he is in need of child disciplining when he ignores Obi-Wan's orders to take Dooku together, and he is attacked with the easily blockable Force lightning move. Obi-Wan is forced to take Dooku on his own, and he outmanoeuvres Obi-Wan, wounding him on both his left arm and leg. Dooku is about to deliver a killing blow when Anakin, waiting for a dramatic point to return to the fight, recovers from the lightning and blocks Dooku's attack. Obi-Wan gives Anakin his lightsaber to help him in the duel, which is almost immediately broken. Dooku and Anakin fight a short duel, and Dooku cuts off Anakin's right lower arm (which is later replaced by a robotic prosthetic, only increasing his need for Padme). Finally, Yoda arrives to cut through all the bullshit and straighten Dooku out. However, the Sith Lord takes advantage of Obi-Wan and Anakin's laziness, and causes a pillar to collapse onto them. With both Jedi too tired to bother moving out of the way, Yoda must save them, creating a distraction while Dooku escapes. Yoda saves their lives, although it is arguable that it would be better they died rather than incur the wrath of Yoda.

Revenge of the Sith[edit]

Dooku putting on a timid cat-like expression in his final moments.

“Sic semper Tyrannus!”

~ A Republic loyalist on hearing of Dooku's death

In Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, set three years after Attack of the Clones, Dooku and Separatist leader/portable dialysis machine General Grievous lead an attack on the galactic capital of Coruscant, where they kidnap Supreme Chancellor Palpatine very easily (George Lucas would recommend you pick up on this subtle red herring) in a last ditch move aboard their Battleship Potemkin orbiting Coruscant.

When Anakin and Obi-Wan come to rescue the captive Palpatine, Dooku challenges them both to a duel, allowing Obi-Wan a chance to crack an awful joke about how "Sith Lords are [their] specialty." After cracking that gem, Obi-Wan is immediately knocked unconscious by Dooku, but Anakin subdues the Sith Lord by slicing off both his hands. With persuading and instruction from Palpatine on how to properly vanquish a vampire, Anakin then chops off the defenseless Count's head, a violation of the Jedi Code, as well as an indication of being a complete psychopath. Dooku at least lasted longer than Sidious's previous apprentice Darth Maul, but was ultimately killed in a similar fashion.

Personality and traits[edit]

Dooku was most notable for being a Count, one of only three members of aristocratic families to be alive at the time. This meant he was an automatic member of the Galactic House of Lords on Sereno; in fact, he was the only member who actually came to any of the General Assemblies, because the other two were just too proper to give a damn. This abnormality can be attributed to the years of inbreeding generally manifest in aristocratic families, which also gave him, among other things, a curved lightsaber and the tendency to occasionally believe he was a vampire.

Dooku was a master in Makashi, which was possibly the fruitiest form of lightsaber warfare. Makashi was practiced single-handed, leaving the other hand free to fondle things and extend its pinky while drinking tea. Dooku liked drinking tea, especially tea flavored with the blood of his enemies, although honey lemon or bantha tea were good too.

Dooku had a taste for Milky Way bars, bald women, and massive disembodied eyes of fire.

See also[edit]