Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/October
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October 1: Winter Paradox (Eastern Hemisphere), Contagious Disease Appreciation Day
- 1/0 CE - I was born... My name is "undefined".
- 331 BCE - Alexander the Great defeats Darius III of Persia in the Battle of the Bands.
- 1890 - Yosemite Sam National Park is established. *1928 - The Soviet Union introduces its first Five-Year Plan, which is to come up with another five-year plan in five years.
- 1960 - Nigeria gains independence from the United Kingdom. This event is celebrated by a solemn ten seconds of not sending spam emails.
- 1962 - Riots in Mississippi as Alabama wins the "America's most racist state" award. Alabama's victory brings an end to Mississippi's 30-year winning streak.
- 1964 - The Free Speech Movement is launched on the campus of University of California, Berkeley. Previously students had been charged up to a nickle per syllable for each word uttered.
- 1979 - The Hunt for Red October officially begins. Intended to start on September 28th, the Navy waited a couple of days to avoid changing the name.
- 1987 - The smartest guy is born in Sibu, Malaysia but will later be beaten soundly by crickets on the Jangan Lupa Lirik! game show and moves away in shame.
- 1998 - Raccoon City is destroyed by three cruise missiles and repeated aerial bombardment in an attempt to contain a T-Virus outbreak.
- 2003 - Bournemouth is recognised as a city by the British government; the entire world is shocked.
- 2004 - In a desperate bid to diversify its business Microsoft engineers and a team from Wigan University (England) invent the pineapple chunk.
- 2005 - Official Reminder: September has now ended. Now is an appropriate time to wake up Billie Joe from Green Day.
- 2007 - 12 men celebrate Man Flu by going on an all night bender. Only 5 survive even though a doctor prescribes reruns of Match of the Day and plenty of nuts magazines.
- 2007 - "Punch Me in the Nuts Barney" is launched and instantly becomes a sell-out.
- 1835 - The Texas Revolution begins when Mexican soldiers attempt to disarm the people of Gonzales to stop them reaching orgasm, but encounter stiff resistance from a hastily assembled pornography stockpile.
- 1870 - The Great Tomato War begins in Spain; the streets run red.
- 1876 - Six women are killed in test of first steam-powered vibrator. It's inventor, Havelock Schtumpf, is never seen again.
- 1889 - In Colorado, Nicholas Creede strikes it rich during the last great orgasm boom of the American old west.
- 1924 - The Geneva Protocol is adopted as a means to strengthen the length of male orgasm.
- 1949 - 500,000 male steel workers win improved retirement benefits, orgasms.
- 1950 - The comic Peanuts is released, coming on the heels of other comics after being withdrawn several times.
- 1956 - The beginning of the great orgasm shortage.
- 1957 - Cucumbers have an incredible growing year just to mock orgasmless men.
- 1966 - The orgasm shortage ends, around 2 billion people all orgasm at the same time, vibrating the earth closer to the sun by around 500 miles (about 800 km). Scientists predict a slow and steady increase in global temperature.
- 1996 - Furbies debut, eating the souls of the overprivileged.
- 2014 - The widespread use of Ecstasy fails to get more people to listen to XTC even though the latter has fewer aftereffects.
October 3: National Day of Retrofitting Your Hamster With a Metal Ass (Japan)
- 1024 - Viagra cookies are invented by Superman and Elton John.
- 1195 - The King of Persia launches a surprise attack on Rome with their new and improved rugs. Cesar Chavez's army crushes the attacks with a combined pirate and ninja fleet.
- 1645 - Roman blacksmith is first to create cast iron ass for his five-year-old son's pet hamster.
- 1915 - Steel prices skyrocket due to the large number of pet hamsters owned in Japan.
- 1928 - Shiny chromed hamster asses are all the rage this year.
- 1929 - Hamster asses can now be programmed to "jitterbug".
- 1952 - Due to shortages of metal after World War II, hamsters are forced to wear discarded teaspoons.
- 1978 - Aluminum asses are proved to give a greater power-to-weight ratio for the hamster.
- 1982 - Scientists find that the uranium hamster ass was "probably not a very good idea".
- 1983 - Giant, rabid, razor-toothed uranium-assed hamsters install metal asses on the entire human population of Tokyo.
- 1988 - George H.W. Bush becomes the first President to ever have a pet hamster and son with a metal ass.
- 1990 - David Hasselhoff reunites Germany by pissing on the Berlin Wall.
- 1995 - O.J. Simpson is acquitted of murder because a hamster-sized metal butt cheek found at the murder scene did not fit him.
- 2004 - PETA activists blockade McDonald's fast-food outlets to protest against the cruel, barbaric process of retrofitting hamsters with metal asses.
- 2015 - Apple creates the iLife, something having a lifespan of 6 months before something newer and better than you is released.
- 2017 - Newly elected Hamster Commander-in-Chief Fuzzy proclaims "all hamsters with metal asses to be 'out' and all hamsters with funny fruit hats to be 'in.'"
October 4: International Holiday In Space Day, National Day of No National Holidays (Botswana)
- 9000 BCE - Crisis on Negative Earth 3!
- 13 CE - Jesus has his first wank.
- 21 CE - Jesus gets his first mortgage.
- 1582 - Gregorian Calendar is implemented, skipping straight from October 4 to October 15. This new calendar replaces the Julian Calendar, the final straw in a massive flame war between Julius Caesar and Pope Gregory the Great.
- 1957 - Freak traffic accident results in the launching of a motor home into space. Intergalactic cops quickly come by to ask them to keep the party noises down.
- 1980 - The 80s are back!
- 1989 - The 70s are back!
- 2005 - Steve Ballmer claims yet another victim.
- 2006 - Colorado and Wyoming exchange their shared border.
- 2006 - Texas splits into 3 pieces – Box, New Texas and Dubyaland.
- 2006 - Iraq becomes New Louisiana. Nike Revolution of 2006 ends.
- 2006 - Cold War Industries is created, becoming the first business to consist entirely of nothing, except a logo and a team of 2 young, handsome boys. Homosexuality in businesses is still frowned upon.
- 2010 - Astronauts celebrate Fourth of July with salvo of fireworks that explode in the atmosphere. Toxic dust kills millions in China.
- 2065 - NATO is finally recognized as the west compensating for something.
- 3000 - Duke Nukem Forever is released.
- 3001 - The Halo movie is released.
Sophia prefers real sex to telegraph sex.
October 5: National Telegraph Appreciation Day, brought to you by TT&A, your local telegraph provider
- 1337 BCE - The telegraph is invented by Greek inventor Teleos Graphodopoulos.
- 1208 BCE - The telegraph pole is invented, tripping accidents drop considerably.
- 337 BCE - Alexander the Great celebrates the 1000th anniversary of telegraphy by having world's first telegraph sex with his lover, George Michael; he boasts of his 'long dash'.
- 663 - Meheomod, aka Mohammed, telegraphs his intentions to destroy all Christian infidels. Celebrations of telegraph's 2000th anniversary are cancelled.
- 1371 - A blinding snowstorm snarls traffic, and downs telegraph lines in Ming Dynasty's first test of emergency preparedness.
- 1921 - Baseball's World Series is broadcast on the radio for the first time. The telegraph announcer loses all fingers trying to keep up. He sues all radio owners making them give him their fingers. He would eventually have over a million fingers on each hand.
- 1926 - The first Error 404 appears in a telegram.
- 1931 - Before crashing in France, the British airship R101 sends an urgent SOS telegram, until they realize there's nothing connected onto the other end of the telegraph key.
- 2001 - Telegraph service finally arrives in Kentucksylvania. Excited residents write all their friends about it.
- 2006 - Google and SUN Microsystems release their thin-client telegraph server, codenamed GTelegraph, to combat Microsoft.
- 2006 - Western Union cancels telegraphic service, saying 'We're gonna try out this new telly-phone deal the kids are so fond of'.
- 2008 - George Michael confesses his love of crack and Tom Cruise markets his new video game.
- 2009 - Peru runs out of biscuits due to a telegraphic error in the shipping quote.
October 6 : Anniversary of the Invention of Fire, World's Most Dangerous Day to Be Flammable
- 4,327,340 BCE - Fire is invented. Matches, which had been in use for years beforehand, now finally have a use.
- 4,327,339 BCE - The competition to create the biggest bang results in the accidental creation of aerosols.
- 105 BCE - The Greeks invent a fire which doesn't go out when in contact with water. They call it "Greek Fire". It is quickly nicknamed AAAAAAAAA!
- 103 BCE - A hasty rebranding of Greek Fire goes wrong, and the newly renamed "AlphaFire+" is scrapped. Nobody bothers to write down the formula.
- 1081 - King Wilhelm IV of North West Prussia dies. The North West Prussia Gazette finally has front page news that doesn't involve the word "sauerkraut".
- 1611 - Several people are executed for petty theft in Hungary, much to the amusement of the Austrians, who framed them.
- 1612 - Hungary goes to war with Austria.
- 1613 - Several Austrians are extradited to Hungary, where they are executed for obstructing the cause of justice. Hungary withdraws from Austria, after 40 million people have died.
- 1846 - Mr. Georges "Bang-Bang" Firework, of Sparkler Street, Catherine Wheel, New Jersey, finally invents the trampoline.
- 1859 - Mr. Henry "Boing-Boing" Jumper, of Trampoline Terrace, Bouncy, Ohio, finally invents the firework. Various historians later switch the facts to amuse themselves.
- 1910 - People realize fireworks are better at night. It would be several centuries before it is also realized fireworks are better outdoors.
- 1913 - Parties are held throughout London, celebrating the fact that they have just signed a peace treaty with Germany.
- 1936 - An Austrian physicist discovers the long lost formula for AlphaFire+. Unfortunately, his lab then burns down.
- 1957 - Historians jump with joy as they discover what Edward Crapper invented.
- 2002 - The official date of the discovery of fire is discovered by historians. They attribute the discovery to Mr. Alfred "Burn-Burn" Hotstuff.
October 7: International Juvenile Penile Obsession Day
- 1512 - Cockfighting is invented by Goorg, a Turkish peasant in Asia Minor. Confusion reigns as roosters square off against genitalia.
- 1655 - The Kingdom of Russia builds penile colonies in Siberia, considered by historians to be a ballsy move.
- 1947 - Engrand is set up, a few years before spell check is invented.
- 1949 - Yet another pinko commie country is spawned for a few brief years before being tossed back to Germany and laughed at.
- 1959 - Simon Cowell, English recording executive and television judge is born. The doctors who brought him into the world have since fled to remote regions after subsequent death threats.
- 1960 - Kennedy and Nixon debate the Cold War and penis length in the second of four scheduled debates.
- 1970 - Dick Nixon announces he has a penis and launches a new five-point peace proposal to end the Vietnam War.
- 1980 - Ronald Reagan announces his plans to resolve the energy crisis and hostage situation in the Middle East by "whipping it out". Reagan wins the erection.
- 1997 - The song Detachable Penis becomes a solid gold, rock-hard hit for a few minutes.
- 2001 - U.S. invades Afghanistan with an air assault, to eradicate all small penises.
- 2003 - California Governor Gray Davis loses his penis and it is replaced by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- 2007 - Actor Daniel Radcliffe, concerning a penis-enhancement e-mail, sues "that guy who keeps offering to make my penis larger" for sexual harassment; "that guy", who turns out to be Jesus, claims to have been trying to work on his miracle-performing skills.
- 2009 - The Nigerian inheritance scam is combined with a penis enlargement system and a free iPhone offer and everyone gets it in the crown jewels.
October 8: International Best Inventions Ever Day
- 4004 BC - God invents breasts.
- 4003 BC - Pornography is invented. There is no war for the next thousand years.
- 4002 BC - Lesbian porn is invented. The first case of carpal tunnel is documented.
- 2680 BC - Mayans invent chocolate and promote it with the slogan "Everything goes better with chocolate including human sacrifice".
- 500 - Germans invent beer. Anglo-Saxons would drink it but save up their ice for skating upon.
- 623 - Sloth is declared a mortal sin by the church but morphs into the three-day holiday.
- 1234 - The handgun is invented. This later inspires the invention of real guns.
- 1889 - Auguste Eiffel builds his famous tower when his indulgent grandmother buys him a large Meccano set.
- 1890 - Oscar Wilde invents Uncyclopedia and becomes the first user ever reverted and banned.
- 1921 - Americans invent the bacon cheeseburger. Grease salesmen have their best year ever.
- 1949 - Danes create Lego. Everyone else still prefers to use landmines to cause crippling injuries.
- 1952 - Deep fried spam is invented.
- 1963 - Hippies invent Free Love.
- 1964 - Hippies swap free love for pot.
- 1979 - The Victoria's Secret Catalogue is introduced. This is followed days later by a worldwide lotion shortage.
- 1984 - Wales invents the cheese and ham toastie; it is made their national dish. Students rejoice.
- 1993 - Scientologists revolt. Nobody cares.
- 1998 - Monkey butlers are invented, but those damn PETA activists won't let us have any.
- 2349 BCE - The proto-badger, a distant relative of the weasel, goes extinct when Noah tosses the only surviving pair off the ark for stealing his yams.
- 942 - Weasel stomping in invented in Anglo-Saxon England.
- 1086 - The Domesday Book notes the average price of a stoat at 1 groat.
- 1490 - Leonardo da Vinci paints Lady With an Ermine, the first mustelid pre-photobombing recorded in the West.
- 1674 - Issac Newton discovers Weaselpudge. Nobody cares.
- 1754 - It is alleged by some that on this supposed day, weasel words were probably invented or perhaps created.
- 1862 - The Cheasel is invented.
- 1872 - Rudolf Weasel changes his last name to Diesel. The rest is history.
- 1881 - The Japanese Stomping Fish, which has nothing to do with weasels, is discovered.
- 1899 - Pop Goes the Weasel is licensed for every jack-in-the-box toy. Small children drive their parents insane playing the tune, leading to the Second Boer War.
- 1930 - Nazis adopt the Horst-Weasel song as their anthem.
- 1937 - The Spleen weasel is discovered in Paris, France, without rioting for a welcome change.
- 1938 - The Disney film Snow White is released in Europe with the song Weasel While You Work. Parisians take it personally and rioting ensues during the intermission.
- 1940 - John Lennon is born, and promptly marries a weasel.
- 1961 - Ferret racing is invented in Australia. It is not held where you think it might.
- 2007 - A woman gives birth to a weasel. This will grow up to be the Antiweasel, signalling the end of the world. People will be forced to carry the mark of the Beast on their foreheads, which will be a weasel word, theoretically.
October 10: Not-for-Turning Day, International Day of No Underwear
- 1582 - Pope Gregory XIII implements the Gregorian calendar while not wearing any underwear. He announces that turning is immoral.
- 1605 - Miguel Cervantes creates Donkey Kong. Unfortunately for him, Niccolo Machiavelli would always beat him for high score.
- 1807 - Canada defeats The Pirate Nation in the Canadian-Pirate War. Canada turns over a new leaf even though they're not supposed to turn...
- 1815 - Napoleon I of France begins his exile on St. Helena in the Atlantic Ocean. He forgets to pack any underwear. When it was his turn to attack, he refused, stating his famous catchphrase, "Turning will give you herpes."
- 1841 - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow writes the poem Excelsior, extolling the virtues of wood shavings.
- 1921 - Lana Turner is born and immediately gets into trouble.
- 1936 - The Ace Hardware chain is started by Walter Leatherface who really enjoys demonstrating the newly invented chainsaw.
- 1954 - The TV dinner is invented but is only available in black and white.
- 1955 - Jimi Hendrix is spawned from Buddy Holly's guitar and a rum-and-coke while illegally turning on the New Jersey Turnpike.
- 1962 - Transistors replace tubes in TV dinners.
- 1964 - The US destroyer USS Turner Joy lives up to her name by turning and starts the Tonkin Gulf Incident.
- 1975 - USA leads a search for a man named "Charlie" in Vietnam.
- 1980 - Margaret Thatcher declares that she is not for turning, despite the best attempts of pro-turning lobbyists.
- 1995 - Underwear outlawed in Paris. Jim Morrison turns in his grave.
- 2006 - North Korea tests nukes. In response, America builds comsat stations; Iran upgrades zealots; Afghanistan makes turning weapons that have no use.
- 2015 - George Bush dies from a serious case of turning.
- 2015 - Al Gore is arrested for the turning of an undisclosed ex-politician.
October 11: Flightless Bird Awareness Day
- 1581 - Dodos are encountered by the Portuguese. The birds are celebrated for their comical antics and large drumsticks.
- 1809 - Famed explorer Meriwether Lewis dies of a gunshot wound. Although it is generally believed to be a suicide, others note that suspicious-looking kiwis were seen lurking in the area.
- 1850 - University of Sydney opens, offering degrees in emu ranching and cassowary wrangling.
- 1877 - Kiwis invent their eponymous shoe polish. Initially, the product only has limited success as kiwis are expert at manufacturing but have poor marketing skills.
- 1895 - A staging of Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest is disrupted when an ostrich is accidentally let into the theater. Wilde clubs the bird into submission with his shoe.
- 1923 - Scientists prove there are no penguins at the North Pole, wonder why.
- 1942 - Penguin punting is invented in New Zealand due to war-time rationing of sports equipment.
- 1958 - The Penguin chocolate bar is invented; Kit Kat is infuriated.
- 1975 - Saturday Night Live debuts with an emperor penguin as guest host.
- 1977 - Rod Hull is exposed as a puppet for the Emu Liberation Front.
- 1989 - McDonald's introduces the Ostrich McNugget.
- 1998 - The Ostrich McNugget is reported to be a tasty non-greasy supplement by Wikipedia. Shows what they know...
- 2004 - McDonald's introduces the Emperor Penguin Deluxe Kids Meal, with 98% penguin meat. Kids want moa.
- 2012 - The Penguin Armies of Doom rise up and overthrow humanity.
- 2013 - Soylent green is rediscovered.
October 12: International Day of Using Bible Verses for Any Purpose Whatsoever
- 32 CE - At the Last Supper, Bartholomew gets the last dish of the new UltraChocolate Supreme Haagen-Dazs ice cream. Jesus wept.
- 1322 - As being hauleth up the cliffs of insanity, Vizzini informeth Fezzik "Behold now behemoth, which I made with thee; he eateth grass as an ox. Art this not conceivable to thy smallish cranium?"[1]
- 1492 - Christopher Columbus placeth the first "John 3:16" sign in the New World.[2]
- 1493 - Despite a heavy schedule of beating and selling slaves, Christopher Columbus manages some time to name a day after himself.
- 1695 - Isaac Newton discovereth the Golden Rule.[3]
- 1941 - Winston Churchill falleth asunder, crying "My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me"[4]
- 1958 - Andy Warhol discovereth that a feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry... but money answereth all things.[5]
- 1989 - Actor Patrick Stewart goeth for a walk. And as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.[6]
- 1995 - Bill Clinton declareth on oath that thrice was he beaten with rods, once was he stoned, thrice he suffered shipwreck, and a night and a day he has been in the deep.[7]
- 2003 - Jeb Bush, Governor of Florida, maketh an law that will cut off from the people him that pisseth against a wall.[8]
- 2004 - A court sentenceth Martha Stewart to six months in chains, as well threaten to smite her with a consumption, and with a fever, and with an inflammation, and with an extreme burning, and with the sword, and with blasting, and with mildew.[9]
- 2007 - The Angry Video Game Nerd invents the first twenty-syllable expletive.
- 2010 - George W. Bush quotes Ezekiel 25:17 to God before popping a cap in his own ass.[10]
October 13: International Paranoia Day
- 54 - Claudius, Roman Emperor (b. 10 BCE) is assassinated by the CIA. Historians say this is impossible because the organization wasn't in existence yet... which is exactly what the CIA would like to have you believe.
- 1792 - The cornerstone is laid for the White House. Who lays stones? Masons. What organization did the masons start? Freemasons. Do I need to spell the rest out for you people?
- 1835 - Nothing of historical significance happened on this day in history... or so the Illuminati would have us believe.
- 1937 - Aviation pioneer Igor Sikorsky has a bunch of unpainted helicopters sitting around his factory, and gets a deal on 5000 gallons of black paint. The Black Helicopter is invented. You'd have to be pretty naive to think this was just a lucky coincidence.
- 1939 - Nothing happened in Germany! We were all on vacation! ALLE NATIONEN WERDEN SICH VOR DEUTSCHLAND VERBEUGEN!!!
- 1947 - Nothing happens at Roswell (wink wink).
- 1949 - First meeting of the Trilateral Commission... or is it?
- 1955 - The. US government does not begin top secret operations at Area 51 (wink wink).
- 1968 - NASA works feverishly to build the sets for the 1969 "moon landings".
- 1974 - TV personality Ed Sullivan passes away due to "natural causes". And just like that, the Jews are one step closer to global domination.
- 2000 - Preparations for the 9-11 attacks are begun by agents of the United Nations, the Jews, the CIA, and the Vatican.
- 2012 - Nothing apocalyptic will happen... or will it?
- 2016 - That instead of new small-network programming, everyone is watching the Star Wars Holiday Special over and over due to drugs in our water supply?
October 14: National Hit an Annoying Person in the Head Day
- 1066 - William the Conqueror punches Harold Godwinson in the head at the Battle of Hastings.
- 1519 - Hernán Cortés takes the Procol Harum song Conquistador as a personal insult and mistakenly invades Mexico to track down the band.
- 1789 - Mutinous sailors attempt to hit their captain Lt. William Bligh while he is on the toilet.
- 1793 - Marie Antoinette submits to the guillotine to avoid being hit in the head.
- 1869 - American football is invented in order to allow players to hit each other in the head. This game is based on association football which only allows players to kick each other in the groin.
- 1918 - The Russian royal family are hit in their heads, then shot, bayoneted, strangled, beaten to a pulp and buried. Twice.
- 1960 - Dean Martin records Ain't That a Kick in the Head while suffering from a concussion caused by Frank Sinatra.
- 1992 - The entire Royal family of Britain is smacked 'upside the head'. Prince Philip's brain would never be found even though it may have never existed at all.
- 1999 - A PC spits a CD out of its CD-ROM drive, hitting Bill Gates in the head. This is the first confirmed instance of artificial intelligence.
- 2002 - Fran Drescher is hit in the head with a large halibut. Fortunately, the halibut is unharmed.
- 2004 - Subway's Jared Fogle is knocked unconscious when struck in the face with a stale foot-long loaf of Italian Herbs-'n'-Cheese Bread. As a result, Jared will endure several painful operations to remove razor-sharp breadcrumbs and flakes of oregano which are lodged deep in his sinuses.
- 2011 - Steve Jobs, who found everyone he ever met to be annoying, dies before being able to hit them all in the head.
- 2016 - Donald Trump is hit in the head when a Trump Tower wall collapses on him; x-rays of his head show nothing.
- 2017 - A person stops to text on crowded subway stairs during rush hour and is trampled by commuters, then is hit in the head by a rat carrying a pizza slice.
October 15: Preggo Appreciation Day
- 25,000 BC - Erotic pregnant images are invented.
- 10,000 BC - Newts evolve the ability to live in human uteruses.
- 1300 - The Navajo invent Antbortion.
- 1682 - The ovum is first viewed through a microscope. The ovum would stare back if it had eyes.
- 1885 - Scientists propose an alternate view of pregnancy.
- 1900 - The first recorded Labor Party is held in Britain, taking hours to squeeze out a leader.
- 1967 - Missouri politician Newtis Newtfield is born.
- 1972 - Abortion is legalized in the USA; dead unborn baby jokes proliferate.
- 1973 - Backstreet abortionists are run out of business by legal abortion clinics. Right-wing religious groups owning backstreet abortion businesses vow revenge as do dry cleaners now stuck with millions of wire coat hangers.
- 1974 - Planned Parenthood is founded, preforming free abortions in exchange for money and referring friends to do the same.
- 1981 - The first successful hotwiring of a uterus is preformed.
- 1988 - Preggobear is born.
- 1994 - Mama Luigi takes a sojourn to the mushroom kingdom and encounters a magic balloon.
- 1998 - AMA publishes: HowTo:Deliver a Baby, A Concise and Easy-to-follow Guide Developed, Tested, and Approved by the AMA (No, Not that AMA. The Other One) and Reprinted with the Permission of the JAMA (Also a Different One).
- 2005 - The phrase "Uterus or GTFO!" is invented.
- 2008 - Sarah Palin's daughter's unborn child is found to be pregnant.
- 2011 - A newt moves into Miranda Cosgrove's uterus.
- 2016 - Newtis Newtfield becomes the first newt to be elected President of the United States.
October 16: Opening Day of Hunting Season for Mimes and Memes (United States)
- 6992 BC - Early people living in the Fertile Crescent struggle to come up with a meme using that term.
- 1804 - The first mime turns up in France.
- 1854 - Oxcart Wylde is born in Dublin, changing his name to Oscar Wilde at the same time the city changed its name to Bonoville. His writings would inspire generations of snarky fops and billions of Uncyclopedia editors making up quotes that Wilde would deprecate with a swing of his cane.
- 1862 - Mimes are used as couriers during the US Civil War. Most would be shot by frustrated generals trying to understand complicated messages.
- 1898 - Future clown Emmett Kelly is born. No one notices because he doesn't cry, not even his mother.
- 1914 - Mime hunting season, now known as World War I, is initiated to control the number of mimes in France.
- 1937 - Adolf Hitler poses for many photos and movies knowing full well he would appear in memes decades later to carry on the Thousand Year Reich.
- 1939 - The Phoney War is triggered by massed formations of Marcel Marceau look-alikes forming mime fields across the Franco-German border.
- 1954 - Hunting season opening day is first advertised by Marcel Marceau, a cat and Elmer Fudd with the first two alternately holding up signs reading "Mime Season" or "Meme Season".
- 1961 - Marcel Marceau finally makes his first appearance on TV. Millions call repairmen the next day to get their volume controls fixed.
- 1987 - The first known instance of rick-rolling occurs. Astley becomes a mime at the same time, causing confusion among his 42 admitted fans.
- 1988 - Garfield invents the phrase "Lotsa spaghetti", uses in the opening credits of his popular TV show. An angry Pastafarian in a green overcoat assassinates him days later.
- 2003 - PETA argues that the mime problem should be solved humanely, by imprisoning them in invisible boxes.
- 2004 - A disgruntled mime uses a .357 Magnum to "remove" any extra mimes in the area; he is promptly arrested. Apparently the mime wasn't using a silencer.
- 2005 - Despite being a senior citizen, Chuck Norris becomes an internet meme by not shaving and being used as the model for Ceiling Cat.
- 2006 - Vice President Dick Cheney shoots a mime in the face on a hunting "accident."
- 2007 - References to Oscar Wilde declared to be no longer funny by a majority of mimes.
October 17: Take a Sojourn Day
- 1854 - Oscar Wilde is born wearing a natty suit and makes a quip at birth so that the midwife laughs and drops him on his head. A few more like that and Wilde decides to push off and sojourn to other countries while still a month old.
- 1882 - Canada creates Take a Sojourn to Canada Day to improve tourism; instances of rape by Yaks increase 140%.
- 1907 - Robert Peary becomes the first man to take a sojourn to the North Pole, is raped by a reindeer. It would later be found that he got no further north than Newfoundland and raped ducks in the area because they were "a tighter fit" according to his biographers.
- 1912 - White Star Line director J. Bruce Ismay takes a sojourn on RMS Titanic and nearly gets himself wet.
- 1935 - A wizard does it during a sojourn in Canada. It is said to be fucking magical or something!! No one knows whom he did it with as Debbie was busy doing Dallas.
- 1948 - A white woman says she is possibly potentially nearly raped by a putative Negroid-looking person during her imaginary sojourn to the post office; customary lynchings soon follow.
- 1959 - The Soviet Union institutes Take a Sojourn to the Soviet Union Day, instances of yak rape increase 150%.
- 1972 - Somebody nearly makes a yuky doody during their sojourn to Canada. A shocked parliament resolves to make visitors take constipating drugs before crossing the border to save on cleanup.
- 1995 - Stephen Hawking runs over a cat during a sojourn in Oxford but in many alternate universes, a cat would be running over Hawking at the same time.
- 2008 - Barack Obama steals my bike while I sojourn in Canada. Yaks from outer space will kidnap and rape me afterwards but promise to tell me the exact date of the Apocalypse and the secret that doctors don't want us to know.
October 18: International Funk Day (Portugal), Radiation Day
- 23 CE - God loses control of the universe yet again, causing countless miracles. Luckily, Jesus thinks fast and finds an explanation for all those fish everywhere.
- 1000 - Due to linguistical differences in many parts of the world, many people unfortunately mix up International Funk Day with International Spunk Day. Kleenex has a field day.
- 1898 - Pierre and Marie Curie are first to use the term "radioactivity" but their research fails to discover funk.
- 1903 - Telefunken is founded in Germany, building vacuum tubes and other electrical components. While Germany is "one nation under a groove" at this time, it will never observe International Funk Day.
- 1945 - US drops da bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Both cities are fucked, not funked.
- 1955 - All Hell breaks loose in Wittinghermandershire Upon Broohavensmarshington, England when a portal to the dark underworld is discovered by a chimney sweep mistaking an inconspicuous closet door for that of the men's lavatory in a small, inconspicuous pub. The scene of dark beings invading the earth is compounded by the fact that the chimney sweep failed to realize that the "urinal" into which he chose to relieve himself was, in fact, a dark being. And, although dark beings are, in fact, dark beings, they do have feelings too and do not, contrary to popular belief, appreciate being urinated upon by chimney sweeps.
- 1960 - Funk music, jazz's retarded brother, is born.
- 1975 - The Mothership lands. George Clinton is received much better than Michael Renne was in The Day the Earth Stood Still.
- 1978 - US President George Clinton puts Portugal under a groove. The Portuguese population is introduced to blow.
- 2002 - Jacques Chirac is elected in France; funky disco dancing ensues.
- 2002 - Parisians realize how gay disco dancing is. Rioting ensues with chants of "Give us the funk! We want the funk!" echoing through the streets.
- 2557- 25 different types of cheese are discovered on the bottom of the ocean. Scientists are baffled and manage to retrieve 16 of the different types. A German hypnotist later publishes the findings in a kids weekly coloring book; it becomes an instant best seller.
October 19: Feast of Saint Roger (Estonia). Feast of Rogering Saints (Bulgaria).
- 24 CE - Saint Roger invites his chums to his residence, Gobblewood Mansion, and holds a feast.
- 26 CE - Saint Roger gets raped by hillbillies while on holiday in Bulgaria.
- 121 - Saint Roger is canonized by the pope, the anti-pope, the ant pope and the pope's auntie.
- 568 - Children in a field see a vision of Saint Roger in the sky. Not knowing who it is, they chuck rocks at him.
- 1161 - The first trout is launched into space by Russia onboard Stenchpotski 12.
- 1349 - Postmen all over England suffer the Sack Death.
- 1607 - Elizabeth I of England rises from the dead as a zombie, then dies again of a bad cold.
- 1899 - Nokia renames itself Bobcom.
- 1920 - Bobcom renames itself Londres Compagnie de la Télécommunications.
- 1922 - Londres Compagnie de la Télécommunications renames itself London-Telekommunikation-Gesellschaft.
- 1924 - London-Telekommunikation-Gesellschaft renames itself Nokia.
- 1925 - Nokia Phone Company renames itself Phil the lovable huggable drunkard, but then decides that it projects a negative image on their homeless phone subscribers, so they change back.
- 1943 - English and American pilots come to blows over the use of the word "roger".
- 1973 - Pfft is created and every word in the dictionary is thusforth removed for the rest of eternity. Except for one word. Pfft.
- 1983 - 34 Nazis decide to hold a square dance, which result in a whole new line of trousers being released.
- 1990 - Toasters take over the internets messaging services. Ovens are taken in for questioning.
- 2004 - Nokia renames itself NO CIA, and starts a nuclear war.
- 2011 - Saint Roger reappears in ghostly form and wins The X Factor but disappears before Simon Cowell can roger him over his recording deal.
- 2456 - Buck Rogers wonders why British time travellers snigger when he is introduced to them.
October 20: Run Out of Ideas for Uncyclopedia Anniversaries Day
- 1735 - A French pot head trips on the remains of Napoleon, nobody gives a damn except for a very young Keith Richards.
- 1846 - Engrish troops invade Minnesota, realize they took a wrong turn on the way to France and turn around. Indians scalp and rape several. Queen Victoria then leads the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers in revenge raids after defeating Batman and UltraZachary Taylor.
- 1864 - Abraham Lincoln issues the Emancipation Proclamation as a joke; unfortunately, nobody gets it.
- 1965 - A flying saucer lands in California, Scientology briefly becomes popular, at least until the government fire bombs all the celebrities. A massive cover up ensues but is discovered by an intrepid pair of FBI agents, Yogi and Boo Boo.
- 1969 - Oscar Wilde is discovered painting a mosaic of Islamic extremists with his urine. Extremists eat sacred cows in retaliation. Gandhi is shocked and appalled, the movie Gandhi II is released as a result of real world events.
- 1980 - The world is taken over by the governmen... er... um... Hey guys, how are you? What with those guns pointed at my head? Everything suddenly turns black. I awaken in a dimly lit room with only a hamster turning a wheel. The hamster stops and says, "You have just won $1 million in the American Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!" I wake up and it's only a dream! I open the paper and see the world is taken over by the governmen... er... um... Hey guys, how are you?...
- 1982 - Mount St. Helens erupts in Washington, killing several million hikers and causing US$390 trillion in damage. Government cover up of the tragedy includes flying monkeys with super-soakers.
- 1988 - Two U.S. Army roflcopters collide in Fort Campbell, Kentucky, killing 1337 squirrels.
- 1990 - South Korean scientists recreate Mohammed from cloned DNA of a chihuahua. The world falls into darkness.
- π - The US Supreme Court declares that π has just as much of a right to be a year as any other year and declares the next 20 years to be the year π as back pay for this injustice over two millennia old.
- 2012 - The apocalypse at the end of the world as opposed to the apocalypse at the beginning is discovered to have been caused by Unyclopedia running out of ideas for anniversaries. Mission accomplished.
October 21: William Shatner Appreciation Day
- 1017 BCE - Plato invents a wicked new toy, but squirrels it away for centuries. Not until the New King James translation of his world famous book The Republic is it rediscovered.
- 686 - Conan of Cimmeria becomes Pope, is contracted to star in Conan the Destroyer.
- 1020 - Some Germans once enjoyed a very nice section of the Black Forest until some Romans sacked their village. Today is payback day with interest.
- 1609 - Ninja Turtle Raphael starts beautifying some buildings in Rome. He will one day paint the perfect pizza.
- 1805 - Battle of Trafalgar. French/Spanish/Dutch PWND by Nelson.
- 1921 - Future screenwriter/producer Gene Roddenberry is born. He would later be nominated for Hugo Awards for Genesis II and The Questor Tapes.
- 1953 - Chaka Khaaaaan is born.
- 1966 - Sci-fi gains popularity in the US with TV shows The Time Tunnel, The Invaders and Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea.
- 1969 - Obscure singer/actor Leonard Nimoy gains fame by starring in the Mission: Impossible TV series.
- 1989 - The gateway to Hell opens up for the eleventh time since Britney Spears got out, but it was only to let Mr. Flufferkins go tinkle. Mr. Rogers' neighborhood never recovers.
- 1992 - Rachael Ray's chicken gains sentience.
- 1997 - Neurotic Egomaniac Day is renamed.
- 2007 - Buster Keaton is slowly forgotten once again.
- 2008 - The artificial language Klingon is found to be just a variant pronunciation of English by Scots and will be forgotten in a few years.
- 2009 - The Star Wars franchise is celebrated worldwide as the most popular sci-fi series ever. George Lucas continues to hanged in effigy worldwide.
- 2015 - Marty McFly and Dr. Emmett Brown arrive in Hill Valley from the year 1985.
October 22: Int-t-ternational S-s-stuttering Awareness Day, iNTERNATIONAL cAPS lOCK dAY
- 4004 BCE - gOD CREATES THE HEAVENS AND THE eARTH AT EXACTLY 6:00 PM (ACCORDING TO bISHOP uSSHER)
- 1376 - Mrs. Harris (the best descendant of Chinggis Khan) is born on this epic day!!!!
- 1776 - Paul Revere rides, calling out "The B-B-B-Buh-Brit-Brit-British... " and is arrested and hanged.
- 1780 - kING gEORGE iii DECLARES WAR ON TERRRRRRRROR.
- 1850 - z-Z-Z-ZOM-ZOMBIES ATTACK WORLDWIDE. "b-B-BR-BR-BRAIIIINS" IS HEARD EVERYWHERE BUT UNINFECTED PEOPLE TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY ARE SAYING ARE OVERWHELMED AND EATEN.
- 1889 - aMERICAN tYPEWRITER'S uNION CHANGES NAME TO aMERICAN fEDERATION OF dICTATION tAKERS.
- 1920 - tHE nEW yORK tIMES INTRODUCES ITS FAMOUS nEWS zIPPER SIGN IN tIMES sQUARE; THE wALL sTREET jOURNAL IS CAUGHT WITH ITS PANTS DOWN.
- 1935 - P-Puh-Po-Por-Porky P-Puh-Pi-Pig is b-buh-bor-born. An amused King George VI would imitate him and get his brain stuck.
- 1941 - wAR BREAKS OUT BETWEEN ALLIED STANDARD TYPEWRITER KEYBOARD LOVERS AND THE aXIS OF dVORAK USERS; PUNCTUATION SUFFERERS AROUND THE WORLD CAUGHT IN MIDDLE.
- 1962 - dISGUSTED TRIFFIDS LAND IN cORNWALL AND fix all broken typewriters. Unfortunately, the rEPAIRS WOULD NOT LAST.
- 1968 - LED ZEP-EP-EP-EPLIN RELEASES ITS CLASSIC ALBUM LED ZEPPPPLIN IIIII, FEATURING THE HIT SINGLE WHOLE LOTTTTA LLLLLOVE.
- 2003 - mILLIONS OF N00BS WORLDWIDE DISCOVER THE CAPS LOCK KEY AND DECIDE TO ALWAYS TYPE LIKE THIS...
- 2005 - Writing in all caps combined with leet proves the case for eugenics and millions are sent to re-education or extermination camps.
- 2010 - I HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAVE TH-TH-TH-TH-THE WOR-WOR-WOR-WOR-WOR-WOR-WORST ST-ST-ST-ST-ST-ST FUCK THIS I'M OFF TO A HOUSE PARTY.
October 23: Dungeons & Dragons Empowerment Day, a day to let go of your guilt and shame for having played D&D as a child (or still), and instead reflect upon how it's changed you for the better.
- 33 CE - Jesus creates D&D, the Romans crucify him for this and buries the game where it is found 1900 years later. Or is that Jumanji?
- 1966 - International Federation of the Friendless is formed by Gary Gygax and other near-do-wells.
- 1969 - While others are busy engaged in the Summer of Love, Gary Gygax and Friends are busy making their own chainmail armour out of plastic plumbing washers.
- 1970 - Dave Arneson creates a scenario involving an adventure through a castle sewer, in quest of the legendary change room of maidens in waiting. He would be later arrested for being a peeping tom. The judge was unmoved by his plea that he was doing important game research.
- 1971 - Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson team up to create The Fantasy Game. Monsters are substituted for maidens, and mountains of loose change for change rooms.
- 1974 - TSR publishes the now-renamed Dungeons & Dragons® game by slapping homemade labels over used cereal boxes. In one year, the entire hand-assembled print run of 1,000 games sells out.
- 1979 - Ozzy Osbourne is chosen as official spokesman, eventually appearing in a commercial where he bites the head off of a basilisk.
- 1984 - You realize with horror that the phrase "Uncursed +1/+1 Dark Dwarven Mithril Battle-Axe of Video Game Addiction" no longer sounds completely ridiculous to you.
- 1985 - Everyone starts referring to bottles of water as "Potions of Thirst Obviation" and dictionaries as "Tomes of Acquired Word Definition."
- 2003 - The first woman to play D&D is later discovered to be a shemale. Kidnapping and brainwashing females would later narrow the gender gap.
- 2005 - You catch your wife in bed with another man, but discover she was just earning 50 experience points with a Helmet of Protection +6.
- 2584 - First D&D player in history gets laid thanks to the lucky roll of a natural 20.
- 3000 - Roughly 500 years after the first D&D player got laid his great, great, great, great grandson becomes Supream Dungeon Master of Earth.
- 5000 - A jock plays D&D, a first, and becomes D&D master of the universe and all that is contained inside. The reigning Supream Dungeon Master of the Earth has a hissy.
October 24: Evil Villain Appreciation Day, National Put the Ramones On at Full Volume and Piss Off the Neighbors Day
- 1683 BCE - An evil villain ties an Egyptian princess to the Nile River to have her killed by the Aswan ferry boat.
- 452 BCE - Hippocrates invents the painkiller aspirin by banging his head against a willow tree.
- 1644 - Unseasonable temperatures cause handlebar moustaches to rise out of the oceans and attach themselves to the upper lips of the unwary.
- 1867 - After mass revolt by the Australian and New Zealand governments, Oilcan Harry becomes guardian of UCT.
- 1889 - First recorded use of pure-hearted maiden strapped to railroad tracks to attract a ransom; the deed, while dastardly, merely attracts Royal Canadian Mounted Police who save the girl and thwart the plan.
- 1931 - Polish schoolboy Joseph Ratzinger is arrested for arson, rape and general troublemaking. The Pope declares this day an International Catholic holiday.
- 1941 - Hitler writes the lyrics of Blitzkrieg Bop. It later becomes a hit song by The Ramones.
- 1943 - Morocco becomes the capital of evil villains; they are simply fed up to "here" with Hitler's needy personality.
- 1969 - Your second grade teacher, mean old Miss Masters™, takes away your favorite doll and holds it ransom. The beeyotch demands that you earn an "A" on your spelling test or "Dolly gets it".
- 1971 - Evel Knievel ateempts a new world record by jumping his motorcycle over 227 women tied to railroad tracks.
- 1977 - Habitat for Humanity contemplates rebuilding the Big Bad Wolf's house for charity. Instead it decides on euthanasia as a more cost-sensitive option.
- 2006 - Evangelist Billy Graham holds a Ramones concert; all of Canada kept awake until 3AM.
- 2008 - Stockbroker Oilcan Harry IV twirls his mustache and laughs gleefully as the stock market crashes the day after he cashes out.
- 2017 - Oilcan Harry IV becomes US Secretary of the Treasury and promises to tie women to railroad tracks for ransom in order to balance the budget.
October 25: Shark Awareness Day
- 625 - Pope Boniface V is eaten by a blue shark. The Church reluctantly agrees that awareness needs to be raised but only does so for the clergy.
- 1147 - The Portuguese, under Afonso I, and crusaders from England conquer Lisbon after a four-month siege. They decide to celebrate by going for a swim. All get eaten by tiger sharks.
- 1655 - Shark arrives from the future, is promptly killed by puzzled Welshman.
- 1854 - The Charge of the White Van Men occurs, an infamous incident during the Battle of Balaclava. Free candy!
- 1936 - The Rome-Berlin Axis is created by Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini and a pack of great white sharks who were also great white supremacists.
- 1946 - A secret vote is held by the British parliament to enact the Gay and Lesbian Slavery Act.
- 1977 - Quinton "Quint" Quinton of Amity Island manages to over-identify a Great White Shark.
- 1977 - A renegade child eats dozens of sharks at Miami Beach. Panicked King Triton declares state of emergency and suspends civil liberties.
- 1979 - A Greenpeace activist dies after trying to train the first vegetarian shark.
- 1988 - The Gardners of Amity Island are cloned but due to DNA contamination, they come back as sharks.
- 1993 - Vincent Price dies.
- 1994 - Vincent Price's tomb found empty and a series of bizarre murders occur. Sharks are prime suspects.
- 2006 - All travel to Australia is banned when a shark eats a young child at beach wearing a raw steak swimsuit.
- 2007 - Jim Toomey, writer of the comic strip Sherman's Lagoon, is given honorary Cambodian citizenship.
- 2008 - (Morning) I can't find my keys. Sharks are to blame.
- 2008 - (Afternoon) I discover that I forgot they were on the table. Sharks are to blame.
- 2008 - (Evening) The goddamn car doesn't start. An alliance of sharks and malicious little green men is to blame.
- 2013 - The award-winning documentary Sharknado shows the plight of many species of sharks trapped in a tornado. It galvanizes viewers into supporting legislation to limit chainsaw shark fishing to months that have an "r" in them.
October 26: International Time Travel Day, Enjoy Whale Meat Day (Japan).
- 1492 - Christopher Columbus invents herpes to pass the time on tedious transatlantic voyages.
- 1701 - Philadelphia, Pennsylvania is incorporated as an American city in order to protect its cheese steak sandwich monopoly.
- 1776 - The first Continental Congress adjourns in Philadelphia instead of Harrisburg, because that's where it was.
- 1805 - Citizens, using stolen British documents, develop simple time travel and travel back to 1701 and eradicate Philadelphia in order to save the East Coast from what would be present Philadelphia. They make a second stop a bit farther east and remove an area of future New Jersey for good measure as well. All is peaceful.
- 1822 - The Rock discovers the secret to time travel and goes back in time to kill Hitler, only to realize Hitler wasn't born yet.
- 1917 - The first lifetime limited warranty is created when Congress passes the Broken Stamp Act of 1917.
- 1944 - Albert Einstein and Nikola Tesla invent a time machine by accident. They travel to 1996 and meet Elton John, The Spice Girls and Bill Clinton's cigar. They promptly return home, dismantle the time machine and deny it ever happened. It has become known amongst conspiracy theorists as the Philadelphia Experiment.
- 1980 - A time-traveling Dr. Emmett Brown creates the 1981 DMC DeLorean, so he can use it later as a time machine.
- 1985 - Dr. Emmett Brown invents a time machine out of a DeLorean.
- 1988 - Bill and Ted build a time machine out of a phone booth for access to space porn.
- 1988 - Pre-emo angsty teenage outsider, Donnie Darko, avoids being killed by a time-traveling jet engine by sleeping on a golf course.
- 1988 - Pre-emo angsty teenage outsider, Donnie Darko, is killed by a time-traveling jet engine.
- 1994 - The first Time Cop is trained; he turns into serial killer, but accidently destroys own grandmother, creating a paradox called Doctor Who.
- 2000 - It is discovered that Rosa Parks was actually a middle-aged caucasian man named Hank.
- 2001 - The First Time Traveller's Convention is held in New York. No future is being reported.
- 2003 - The US government develops a time machine, George W. Bush travels to the past to party with his past self and Hitler.
- 2006 - Some angsty teenager has an internal conflict with herself about stuff that only Col. Sherman Potter and his son Harry Potter would understand.
October 27: National "Peeing Calvin" Bumper Sticker Day, Slum Appreciation Day (Hooverville Appreciation Day, 1932-1942 (US))
- 8000 BCE - The first slums are built in the Middle East to much acclaim by architectural critics of the day. The concept would prove to be an enduring one, celebrating the DIY culture.
- 1221 - Genghis Khan executes the first slum clearance project ever in Samarkand and a whole bunch of people besides.
- 1666 - Just as London was growing into a first-class cesspool, the Great Fire comes along and undoes years of hard work. Londoners will roll up their sleeves in the aftermath and vow to build even more slums.
- 1875 - Oscar Wilde decided to avoid his normal routine and go to the barbers before attending his routine denouncement.
- 1930 - Hoovervilles spring up all over America, a testament to recycling and a renewed urge to live in squalor.
- 1956 - The Great One's first toenail grows in. Widely considered to be particularly unspectacular, this event is overlooked by hoards of Bushists who hold wild street parties, which begin with tea and quiet chatting and end in mass orgies. Oh, hee hee, I said a dirty word on the internet! Is that even allowed?
- 1995 - The Peeing Calvin bumper sticker makes its debut. It is leaked from a private email, streamed online and goes viral. While millions drink it up, American fans of the comic strip are pissed while some think it to be a piddling matter. Peeing Calvin is found combined with other images as an insult, but used alone lets golden shower lovers to proudly identify themselves.
- 1996 - Noting the Peeing Calvin image everywhere, dogs interpret it to mean "it's okay to pee here" and do just that. Tire dealers and auto paint shops rejoice. Pedestrians soon pee everywhere based on the subliminal cue and the bathroom-like odor. Rubber boot sellers rejoice.
- 1998 - A shrunken head is seen by visitors to Bill Watterson's house. He is jokingly asked if it belongs to the Peeing Calvin artist and Watterson readily admits that it is.
- 2006 - Nintendo engineers see Peeing Calvin stickers and get the inspiration to build the Wii game console.
- 2010 - Just as suddenly, the craze becomes not to have a Peeing Calvin bumper sticker on your vehicle. As much of the original audience is a little "challenged", cars and trucks start appearing missing back bumpers, fenders, and rear and side windows.
October 28: National Realism Day, 2nd Bolognese Day (First Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster), Carp de Diem (US: Day of the Goldfish), Feast Day of Saint Jude usually celebrated by going "Nah, nah-nah, nah-nah-nah-nah, hey Jude" for fifteen minutes
- 65 CE - Saint Jude is martyred when someone tries to axe him a question.
- 977 - Japanese try hard to train carp with no success. They would later find out the fish were just being koi.
- 1066 - William the Bad Motherfucker PWNZ the Saxon army. Maybe they should have stopped playing so much damn jazz and maybe picked up a sword, eh?
- 1492 - Christopher Columbus lands in Cuba, stocks up on Cuban cigars, Che Guevara memorabilia.
- 1793 - Eliphalet Remington, American firearms manufacturer, was born. Americans traditionally celebrate his birthday by turning to the person on their left and shooting them.
- 1942 - The Alaska-Canadian (Alcan) Highway is completed, allowing Alaskans easy access to thousands of pounds of primo BC bud.
- 1955 - John McClane born in Yippee-Ki-Yay, MF.
- 1955 - Bill Gates is born. Biblical scholars widely regard this as one of the signs of the End Times described by the Bible in Revelations 4:16 – "Yea, and there shall come a great Monopolist, and this Octopus shall cast his tentacles wide, and He shall spread darkness upon the land, in the form of buggy software, security holes, and poor interface design".
- 1962 - As the world steps away from the brink of nuclear war, people of all nations find they just got a huge dose of reality. They then grab a snack and the sugar rush returns them to stupid thoughts.
- 2001 - God loses concentration for a minute and the sun sets on the British Empire, the British take this opportunity to take the whole world... bar France... again. Why can the frogs never be conquered?!?!?
- 2010 - Old MacDonald claims that Michael Jackson appeared to him, on his farm, dressed as Captain EIEIO.
- 2012 - America realizes they were responsible for the worst genocide of them all and give the country back to the Indians. Indians find it is more broken than expected and move to another galaxy.
October 29: National Ignorance Awareness Day, International Rescue Day (Thunderbirds Are Go!)
- 922 - Peasants throughout Europe suddenly realize they are quite ignorant. Then, as one, they return to working in the fields, figuring they are too stupid to do anything else.
- 1576 - Rolf Harris invents the wobble board and didgeridoo. He is able to play both at the same time while groping girls.
- 1675 - Leibniz makes the first use of the long s, ∫, for integral. 315 years later I have to take calculus. Thanks, man. Thanks a fucking lot.
- 1782 - God gets up, has a slice of toast, then decides it's all too much bother and goes to bed again for 500 years.
- 1895 - International Rescue is established, with 2 horses, a penny-farthing bike, a rowboat and a good shovel.
- 1929 - The New York Stock Exchange crashes in what will be called the Crash of '29 or Black Tuesday, beginning the Great Depression. I think that was like, when, everyone got really unhappy for a long time.
- 1955 - Mother Brown gets me Dog And Bone.
- 1966 - For meritorious service, the Thunderbirds are knighted by the Queen. During the ceremony, she accidentally cuts their strings with her sword, causing embarrassment for all.
- 1969 - The first-ever computer-to-computer link is established on ARPANET, the precursor to the Internet. It is used to send porn.
- 1972 - President Richard Nixon declares that he is addicted to the word "declares".
- 1985 - Howard the Duck, dude. Howard the Duck.
- 1990 - Rolf Harris horrifies an audience in Melbourne with filthy basslines on his didgeridoo in an attempt to attract underage girls, while wearing only his CBE medal.
- 1998 - Space shuttle Discovery blasts off with 77-year-old John Glenn on board, making him the oldest person to go into space. He bores astronauts by telling them about how in his day, they didn't have astronaut ice cream, and that there were no zero-G toilets, they just had to hold it in the entire mission.
- 2002 - Ozone is linked to Al-Qaida, President Bush vows to increase carbon dioxide outputs as USA leads the way in the War on Terra.
- 2009 - Pam Anderson's breasts become self aware.
October 30: Halloweve (eve of Halloween).
- 954 BCE - Romulus holds the first toga party. Remus, who favors bikini briefs and Cat in the Hat hats, is not invited, causing the first rift between the two.
- 358 - The Mayans begin to give handmade chocolates as gifts. The practice is superseded by human sacrifice of those found to be allergic.
- 1622 - The first American Halloween is celebrated early when an Indian knocks on a Pilgrim's door and gets a musket ball.
- 1806 - Children finally figure out they should ask for treats before pranking householders. It proves to be much easier than the previous sifting through burnt wreckage of houses for candy.
- 1813 - Naturalist James Audubon observes massive flocks of passenger pigeons firsthand and up close. The next time time he does, he wears a large hat, an overcoat and heavy boots.
- 1844 - Popcorn balls are invented. Popcorn was genderless before this date.
- 1873 - Chester Greenwood invents earmuffs to prevent his ears from barking loudly in public.
- 1902 - Chickens go on strike after being made to work overtime to produce enough eggs for throwing by vandals on Halloween.
- 1921 - Jehovah's Witnesses first provide practice for people to pretend not to be home on Halloween.
- 1955 - Hundreds of American kids somehow manage to cross the International Date Line to get first crack at Halloween goodies.
- 1973 - Four stoners in costume show up a day early for a Halloween party. The band KISS is born.
- 1989 - An old lady buys apples to give out to trick-or-treaters; she still doesn't get it. Death comes to take her, is given an apple, and is so moved he lets her stick around for another year. This has happened for the last 180 years.
- 2005 - Emo kids anticipate not getting their favorite treat tomorrow, an apple with a razor blade inside.
- 2011 - Viewers of The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror are disappointed once again.
October 31: International Dress Like an Idiot Day, International Annoy Strangers Into Giving Away Candy Day
- 30 - Jesus performs another miracle, turning celery sticks into chocolate and regular corn into candy corn.
- 475 - Romulus Augustulus is proclaimed Roman Emperor, while wearing a white toga over his head, with eye holes cut in it.
- 1219 - The governor of Samarkand mistakes the army of Genghis Khan for a group of buddhist monks dressed up like the Khan's army, and opens the gates for them. Samarkand is sacked, looted, and burned. The Khan is pissed off when the army returns home and has already eaten all the candy.
- 1517 - The Protestant Reformation begins. After spending all week on his robot costume, Martin Luther dresses up and goes to the local church but they won't give him candy. He plays a trick on them by spreading his theses all over the church door.
- 1680 - A highwayman, having lost his horse, goes door to door, holding up residents. British Halloween is born, as is Inland Revenue.
- 1897 - The City of London's Best Halloween Costume prize is awarded to Oscar Wilde for his clever Oscar Wilde costume.
- 1927 - The October Uprising was rushed through on this day to save them changing all the letterheads.
- 1956 - Suez Crisis: to force Egypt to reopen the Suez Canal, the United Kingdom and France begin a massive bombardment of Egypt using water balloons and raw eggs.
- 1961 - In the Soviet Union, Josef Stalin's frozen body is removed from Lenin's Tomb. Stalin's body is then dressed up as Frankenstein and then set outside Kruschev's house as part of a scary Halloween diorama. Communist Party members are initially outraged, but come around when Kruschev's house wins the USSR's Halloween house decoration contest.
- 1969 - Women discover that instead of putting time into making an awesome costume they can just take a normal job uniform and slut it up a bit.
- 1969 - Men are okay with the above.
- 1980 - First Glam rock conclave standardizes dressing like an idiot in the '80s.
- 2002 - Evangelical Christians inaugurate Complain About Something Unimportant Again Day.
- 2005 - Everyday dressing like an idiot is now at a record high.
- 2005 - A severe storm strikes Glace Bay, Nova Scotia producing eggs, fireworks, pumpkins, crab-apples, and rocks. Homes and cars are damaged and several police cruisers are damaged by intense rock showers.
- 2006 - Washington D.C.'s "Scariest Halloween Costume" prize is awarded to Dick Cheney. Says Cheney, "But I didn't even dress up!"
- 2016 - ISIS suicide bombers ring a doorbell but just as they do, a roadrunner goes "MEEP! MEEP!", causing them to detonate their explosives prematurely. The operatives thoroughly enjoy their raisins in the afterlife.