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July 1: Dennis Rodman Appreciation Day (in Canada), Canada Day (in most other countries).

  • 1621 - The first curling joke is told in Massachusetts by Pilgrims frowning upon a frivolous game. In reality, they are jealous that they cannot play the game outdoors 350 days a year like their neighbors to the north.
  • 1691 - Voyageurs come across Dennis Rodman shooting free throws in a clearing; an impromptu game of H-O-R-S-E occurs.
  • 1863 - The Battle of Gettysburg begins. One hundred forty years later, Brooke leaves me, sparking my own personal battle.
  • 1867 - The British North America Act takes effect as the Constitution of Canada, creating the Canadian Confederation, and laying down the first widely accepted standard rules of hockey.
  • 1890 - Canada and Bermuda are linked by telegraph cable; Canada briefly enjoys participation in the Bermuda Triangle until a lobster severs the connection.
  • 1933 - The Canadian Parliament suspends all Chinese immigration; the dreams of countless Chinese youths of playing hockey for a career are sundered.
  • 1970 - Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers is honored on Canada Day as the Canadian of the Year. As the presenter attempts to hand him his trophy, he deftly blocks it with a stick save, sending it into the audience.
  • 1980 - O Canada officially becomes the national anthem of Canada, replacing Canada Is Pretty Neat, Eh?.
  • 2012 - Dennis Rodman convinces his BFF Kim Jong-un to tour with him on a take-on-all-comers 2-man beach volleyball tour through Canada.
  • 2020 - The United States invades Canada with the intention of creating the massive new national park "Mooseland". After arriving, however, nothing of any interest was found, and all armed forces are withdrawn from the area.

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July 2: Canada Day (Canada) (if July 1 falls on a Sunday (which it didn't)), Confusing Parentheses Day

  • 1280 BCE - Egyptians invent punctuation but it would prove to be unpopular until the first grammarnazi schoolteacher is born over two thousand years later. She would correct mistakes on her own birth certificate just after being born.
  • 873 BCE - The sport of curling disappears when extreme desertification strikes Egypt.
  • 1492 - After becoming extremely confused by oceanic parentheses, Christopher Columbus arrives in The New World, believing it to be China.
  • 1566 - French astrologer Nostradamus dies. Didn't see that one coming, did ya Nostradamus?
  • 1698 - Thomas Savery patents the first steam engine, designed to mechanically move a horse's legs so as to reduce the amount of effort required to pull a horse-drawn buggy.
  • 1755 - The sport of curling is reinvented when brooms are used to hasten the expulsion of Acadians from Canada.
  • 1882 - Oscar Wilde reaches the height of his celebrity, arriving to the premiere of his play The Importance of Being Earnest in a luxury stretch horse buggy.
  • 1933 - The jig is up after being down for over 40 years.
  • 1947 - A weather balloon crashes in the desert near Roswell, New Mexico. The Army covers up the loss of the weather balloon by claiming it was an alien spaceship.
  • 1962 - The first Wal-Mart opens for business in Rogers, Arkansas. The primitive version of the store offers only guns, Confederate flags, and bullets.
  • 1988 - Scientists discover the last breeding pair of parentheses in the Amazon rainforest (they later find that they were wrong(.
  • 1996 - Aliens attack the world, destroying New York, Los Angeles, Washington D.C., everywhere else. Bill Pullman and Will Smith survive.

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Kitchen fire.jpg

July 3: International Hot Pocket Day (pictured)

  • 1775 - American Revolutionary War: George Washington goes to Cambridge, Massachusetts and takes command of the Continental Army, known for their delicious breakfasts.
  • 1776 - The Declaration of Independence is peer reviewed.
  • 1805 - Robert Fulton invents steam-powered toilet paper, to no avail.
  • 1870 - Oscar Wilde graduates from Maudlin College, Oxford, with a double-first in modern classics and flower arranging.
  • 1885 - "He who hath smelt it, dealt it" ruling in federal court sets new legal precedent.
  • 1890 - The moderately severe United States Potato Shortage of the 1880s is resolved when Idaho is accepted as the 43rd U.S. state.
  • 1939 - Coco Laboy, future Montreal Expos 3rd baseman and creator of the "daily double", is born.
  • 1978 - Conceptual artist Humphrey Crawford exhibits his piece Oil, Urine and Diesel on Canvas.
  • 1996 - Jeff Goldblum finally begins to figure out how to take down the aliens.
  • 1983 - After a wild night of passion between a Pop Tart and a mediocre plate of Italian food, the Hot Pocket is conceived.
  • 2005 - The Hot Pocket develops a strange illness and becomes Croissant Pocket.
  • 2014 - Self-heating Hot Pockets with white phosphorus turn out to be extremely popular with arsonists but no one else.

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July 4: Will Smith Day (USA), American Independence Day (most other countries)

  • 2000 BCE - An ageing Conan the Barbarian notices that his thews aren't as mighty as they used to be. Depressed, he eats a carton of ice cream, and washes it down with bourbon.
  • 476 - Paralyzed by infighting and an inability to govern, the Roman Empire and senate collapses. This would later be replaced by the Italian republic and its legislature, paralyzed by infighting and an inability to govern.
  • c.850 - China plays the long game by inventing gunpowder and fireworks so that America will destroy itself by fire or explosion.
  • 993 - Saint Skeet Ulrich of Augsburg is canonized. Unfortunately, they used too much powder and he overshoots the catch net.
  • 1365 - Barbara Cartland writes her first romance novel, Twilight.
  • 1776 - King George III receives a letter from the colonies; throws it out thinking that it's yet another menu from a pizza restaurant.
  • 1862 - Abraham Lincoln proclaims an end to the American Civil War. He waits a moment, then yells "Psych!"
  • 1917 - American troops in Flanders attempt to recreate the famous Christmas Truce of 1914 by holding a 4th of July barbeque in No Man's Land. The results are predictable.
  • 1969 - Birth of Will Smith. The world rejoices. Warring forces in Vietnam, Czechoslovakia and Detroit lay down their arms, and join together in ushering in the new Golden Age of Mankind.
  • 1996 - Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum save the world by infecting the alien mothership with a computer virus, thus continuing the time-honored tradition of infections saving the world from aliens. Will Smith tries to take all the credit, but Jeff Goldblum threatens to sic his Jewish father on him.
  • 2001 - While Will Smith is busy getting jiggy wit it, aliens from the Andromeda galaxy invade the Earth and install George W. Bush as president.
  • 2007 - You sit at a computer. Why not go outside and get some fresh air? And watch the stars, the sky, and that huge metal ball that somehow didn't hit that comet but changed its path towards you? Yeah, it's following you. Get an umbrella or go to the subways.

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Isaac Newton.jpg

July 5: X Day, Day After We Kicked the Brits Ass Day (Southern US)

  • 1565 - Pirates mark an "X" on a beach to mark the spot where they bury treasure. When they return, the wind will have changed it to a "v" and they would fail to find it.
  • 1687 - Isaac Newton (pictured) discovers gravity after being hit on the head by a falling fig.
  • 1689 - After outbreak of falling fruit, Isaac Newton officially changes gravity to 7.
  • 1884 - John Singer Sargent paints the Portrait of Madame X but is fired for spelling her name wrong.
  • 1946 - The bikini is introduced in Paris. Later, no bikini atoll is the trend.
  • 1967 - The first kidney transplant made of Lego bricks ends in tragedy.
  • 1968 - The X from outer space destroys Tokyo. Weary residents already have construction equipment ready before it hatches.
  • 1998 - Aliens fail to turn up and fry everyone to a pink crisp. Godzilla offers to do so instead but is politely refused.
  • 2001 - Cultists get seriously pissed off with yet another no-show.
  • 2003 - Aliens turn up, but not the right aliens. Bloody mocking tourists.
  • 2004 - No one turns up as no one expects the aliens. And, yup, they don't.
  • 2005 - The longest fart in world history is recorded. It is not produced by an alien.
  • 2007 - Deal or No Deal? Aliens decide to take the money and not show up.
  • 2010 - The Church of the Subgenius hijacks the Anniversaries July 5 page. The massive improvement is noted.
  • 2155 - Aliens almost show but miss a left and land on Venus.
  • 2156 - Aliens finally turn up and land in Tokyo but flee due to a Gundam statue that lights up at night.

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Milk ad.jpg

July 6: Man Milk Day

  • 2300 BCE - Chinese religious officers declared that drinking milk is a sin. Milk drinking increases 300%.
  • 1609 - Bohemia is granted freedom of religion. The Bohemians snap their fingers in approval.
  • 1732 - The 'Running of the Bulls' Festival in Pamplona, originally, 'The Drowning of the Animals Festival', undergoes major overhaul. PETA established.
  • 1946 - George W. Bush born; record numbers of brain death recorded in America. He is fed man milk from day one.
  • 1977 - Idiot starts 'Man Milk Day' and proceeds to schedule lame events (Editor advises they read the article "How To Be Funny And Not Just Stupid").
  • 1978 - Margaret Thatcher blesses the first man to be milked.
  • 1986 - Mike Portnoy founds the band Dream Theater.
  • 1988 - Shemales riot near Rio de Janeiro to obtain the rights for selling their milk to earn a living.
  • 1996 - Mike Portnoy travels back in time to found the band Dream Theater.
  • 2004 - Man milk is found to be an excellent source of energy for athletes. Naturally, using it in this fashion is outlawed by the U.N. under pressure by the Gatorade overlords of the universe.
  • 2005 - Escaped zoo monkeys in the UK set up their own government in Dorset to escape man milk foolishness. Mass migrations into the area severely tax local banana supplies and the sailboat rental business.
  • 2006 - San Seattle Riot kills 6 Caloringtons.

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Matrix 03.jpg

July 7: Misleading Hyperlink Day

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July 8: Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde Appreciation Day

  • 1773 - After stumbling across a time machine, Oscar Wilde goes back into time to flood the world with fake Benjamin Franklin quotes.
  • 1914 - The first National Making Up Oscar Wilde Quotes Championship is held in Surrey, Southamptonshire, Boxbridge, England. Its sponsors would be arrested without charge, leading to the Easter Bunny Rebellion of 1916.
  • 1930 - Just months after the Wall Street Crash of 1929, hungry bread line patrons celebrate Oscar Wilde Appreciation Day by reading his works to distract them from the biting July cold and their shoeless state. It doesn't work, as mere words fail to stack up against a hamburger with everything.
  • 1947 - Oscar Wilde fever sweeps across the United States, with his play The Duchess of Padua briefly replacing the foxtrot as the "bee's knees". Sequels The Duchess of Padua II, The Duchess of Padua III: Total Blood Revenge and The Duchess of Padua vs. Godzilla all fail to spark the interest of a fickle public.
  • 1959 - Presidential hopeful John F. Kennedy reads excerpts of Wilde's poem Ravenna to a sold-out crowd at Rice University. Kennedy mispronounces "Proserpine" and is heckled by an audience member that turns out to be Wilde's ghost.
  • 1969 - The IBM CICS is made generally available for the 360 mainframe computer. The first use of this computer is to print out a copy of Wilde's article De Profundis where the last thing Wilde wrote in his manuscript version was "this page intentionally left blank".
  • 2007 - Online misinformation source Uncyclopedia places its entry on Oscar Wilde on the front page for the day, and encourages even more atrocious fakes of his famous sayings to be posted in various places throughout the site. It will be years before ninjas track down everyone who submits one, dealing out horrible deaths rivalling anything Genghis Khan ever did plus adding a heaping helping of eternal damnation and suffering on top of that. Some ninjas would later seek help for "anger management issues".

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July 9: International Hug a Zombie Day (frighteningly pictured on right)

  • 3000 BCE - Egyptians introduce Hug a Zombie Day when depressed, long-buried Egyptian soldiers rise from the grave and demand love.
  • 31 CE - Jesus raises Lazarus from dead and proceeds to hug him, re-instating the Hug a Zombie Holiday, which had not been celebrated since the Great Zombie Rising of 455 BCE.
  • 1866 - Cyrus Field successfully completes the Atlantic cable, thus allowing for the largest single transfer of internet porn in history.
  • 1984 - Margaret Thatcher becomes the first zombie ever to hold public office in Britain.
  • 1985 - A new age for Zombiekind is ushered in as a number of prominent zombies appear in a music video tribute to a decaying career. Unfortunately due to copyright laws we are unable to name the artist.
  • 1993 - U.S. President Bill Clinton celebrates Hug a Zombie Day by allowing a zombie to read from Oscar Wilde's collection A House of Pomegranates during his weekly radio address.
  • 1998 - Several Brooklyn residents are bitten by zombies that they tried to hug. Roughly two weeks later, they cause what is now known as The "Racoon City Incident".
  • 2007 - The financially ailing Area 51 is forced to open its doors to the public in order to avoid bankruptcy. Thousands visit but are never seen again.
  • 2011 - National Zombie and Undead Rights Day announced and celebrated for the first time. 1917 people become undead at the ceremony in support. National Zombie and Undead Rights Day cancelled shortly afterward.
  • 2013 - Hug a Zombie Day is re-instated after a ten-year zombie shortage. Unfortunately, the world ended in 2012, leaving only zombies behind, who are forced to hug each other.

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Outhouse in the woods 05.jpg

July 10: International Bathroom Stall Graffiti Day

  • 351 BCE - Socrates is the first to ask the question "Does a bear shit in the woods?" It would not be until a century later that explorers would find bear outhouses in Northern European forests.
  • 14 CE - Roman poet Ovid, at the height of his writing powers, is the first to write "He who writes on shithouse walls... ".
  • 734 - Aliens land somewhere in Europe and teach squirrels trigonometry to find stored nuts. This only happens after trying to teach math skills to humans who are found to be lacking in comprehension skills.
  • 1783 - Benjamin Franklin starts up the US post office by training penguins to carry transatlantic mails. Unfortunately, all letters would end up in Antarctica, a tradition that the current postal service continues today.
  • 1796 - Carl Friedrich Gauss discovers that every positive integer is representable as a sum of at most three triangular numbers, yet he remains steadfastly confounded by other number-shapes such as the octagonal numbers and the irritating square pi.
  • 1821 - The United States takes possession of its newly bought territory of Florida from Spain. The state instantly becomes recognized for its oranges, old people, hurricanes, and other stereotypes, except for Disney World which would not be constructed until 1875.
  • 1965 - Lincoln writes the Gettysburg Address on an outhouse wall. In his great speech, he would speak a few memorized lines and then return to the outhouse brought to the podium for the next few lines.
  • 1938 - Diabolical billionaire Howard Hughes sets a new record by completing a 91 hour flight around the world in just 87 hours.
  • 1981 - Billy Idol writes Dancing With Myself in a public lavatory, adopting the echo for the actual recording.
  • 2005 - Microsoft decides to remove the "Undo" button from all its programs, "for customer convenience".
  • 2006 - Realizing their mistake in the previous year, Microsoft tries to fix the problem, yet is unable to undo the mistake due to the lack of a button enabling this process.
  • 2007 - On the anniversary of its acquisition by the United States, Florida is flooded while ironically leaving Sea World above water.

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July 11: International Pull My Finger Day, Fake Fart Appreciation Day (Rural Alabama, Georgia)

  • 1250 BCE - John Titor is present at the Battle of Troy but leaves upon discovering absence of internet discussion boards to incessantly babble on.
  • 1307 - Walter Tell, offspring of the famed archery enthusiast William Tell, pioneers the art of Interpretive Death by creatively expiring after suffering a major crossbow accident.
  • 1796 - The United States takes possession of Detroit from Great Britain under the terms of the Jay Treaty. Great Britain immediately regrets this transaction when the Detroit Red Wings win the Stanley Cup in 1798.
  • 1804 - Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton is mortally wounded in a duel with United States Vice President Aaron Burr. This is the last major political duel before the Political Dueling Edict of 1822 is imposed by the new generation of sissy-boy lawmakers.
  • 1859 - A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens is published. Oscar Wilde immediately parodies many of Dickens' concepts in his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray.
  • 1864 - The American Civil War does not live up to its name as a Civil War, as pleasantries are barely exchanged before the Battle of Fort Stevens.
  • 1925 - Famous monster Oscar the Grouch (pictured) is born in the slums of Sesame Street. He does not earn the added moniker of "Grouch" until he resorts to selling candy to children after bedtime following a long string of hardships.
  • 1955 - John Titor arrives in Hill Valley after being fired in 2037 from his radio gig. He seeks out Doc Brown's counsel about how to get really rich.
  • 1961 - President Kennedy has sex with his wife, initiating J. Edgar Hoover's investigation of cross dressing in organized crime, the State Department and Marks and Spencer's Men's Department.
  • 1963 - John Titor becomes a billionaire on betting on the World Series. He returns to 2036 and retires.
  • 1997 - Prime Minister John Major loses an election after telling a "pull my finger" joke to the Queen, creating a grave scandal. She was later overheard to say that "We are most assuredly not amused".
  • 2001 - Tony Blair legalizes public same sex farting in the Commonwealth, violating the Statute Of Westminster (1931) , a law which says the UK should mind its own business and get lost.
  • 2002 - Tony Blair's farting legalisation is rescinded when Queen Elizabeth II farts on the bill rather than granting the Royal Assent. Protesters at Buckingham Palace fart in the Queen's general direction.
  • 2013 - Barry Manilow's nose explodes after he falls for a "pull my finger joke". Gas comes out wrong orifice, killing 43.
  • 2036 - John Titor returns to his own time and takes over hosting duties on Art Bell's Coast to Coast AM show, opening with his signature line, "Na na na na, told you so!".

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July 12 Feast of Peter and Paul (Catholic Church), Feast of a Thousand Lasagnas (Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster) (pictured)

  • 995 - The Feast of Peter and Paul is established on the church calendar where believers must gorge themselves on Mounds and Almond Joy candy bars. This coincidentally happens just a week after the Catholic Church acquires a 51% stake in all candy companies.
  • 1238 - The Feast of a Thousand Lasagnas is interrupted by breakaway sects advocating the use of regular sausage in lasagnas. After visions of the Flying Spaghetti Monster battling the spectre of Intelligent Design are seen throughout the world, the sects realign themselves more closely to the main church and name themselves The FSM Church of the Well-Shaken Colander.
  • 1239 - The last pan from the Feast of a Thousand Lasagnas is finally scrubbed clean and put away.
  • 1491 - Columbus accidentally jumps the gun and sails west, landing at Lagos, Spain. He captures all its residents and sells them into slavery, but not before infecting them with various diseases.
  • 1870 - In the midst of high school, and without the convenience of LiveJournal, Oscar Wilde expresses his angst and sorrow by composing the poems Poems. In the future, most high school students would keep the volume close at hand, using it mostly as a fan or a drink coaster.
  • 1917 - The Bisbee Deportation occurs as vigilantes kidnap and deport nearly 1,300 minors from Bisbee, Arizona. The children are forced to wander the Arizona desert in search of shelter and sustenence following in the path of hundreds of miners previously deported.
  • 1973 - There's a starman waiting in the sky. He'd like to come and meet us but he thinks he'll blow our minds.
  • 1993 - The sale of Chex Mix is officially banned in the United States after disturbing trends regarding improper usage come to light.
  • 1998 - Icelandic megastar Björk is arrested for allegedly causing several thousand dollars worth of damage to an Icelandic bed and breakfast. She is later acquitted after testifying "I am the round and the square, the ocean is sea."
  • 2004 - Harold and Kumar finally make it to White Castle.
  • 2008 - The United States presidential race heats up, as Senator John McCain reveals his platform and begins intensive campaigning.

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July 13: Surreptitiously Masturbate Near a Sleeping Stranger Day

  • 1294 - The armies of Kublai Khan would fail to invade Europe due to the distractions of arcade games and lousy pizza and wine in Chuck E. Cheese restaurants they encounter. The Great Khan himself succumbs to the lure of prize tickets exchangeable for gaudy trinkets and would fall off a pony ride in one of the restaurants in the Samarkand region. This led to his death despite his happiness at winning a pencil topper.
  • 1310 - Marco Polo becomes the scourge of every swimming pool in the known world.
  • c.1880 - The tango is invented to allow Argentians to air out their pits and crotches during a particularly humid summer.
  • 1921 - Sinead O'Connor is arrested for indecent exposure in a coma ward.
  • 1945 - The Manhattan Engineering District achieves its first major success, giving the ability of flight to a medium-sized mouse.
  • 1982 - Adventurous masturbators discover Peter Gabriel's Shock the Monkey and find out that even 9 volts is pretty much the limit. Emergency room staff are highly amused by the experiments and compare the resulting odor to be something like pork barbecue.
  • 1987 - The United States Supreme Court rules that disciplining your monkey near a sleeping stranger (pictured) is unconstitutional.
  • 2003 - Stunningly gorgeous tennis sensation Martina Hingis stuns her fans by announcing her retirement. Her fans cry for days and refuse to eat.
  • 2005 - Uncyclopedia is viciously and unfairly deleted by extremist Wikipedians. Wikipedia then crumbles without a parody site to funnel traffic in its direction.
  • 2009 - The Uncyclopedia Anniversaries break the fourth wall by telling you to get a job, you lazy git!
  • 2010 - The bite marks and the broken arm tell us the job you took at the piranha petting zoo wasn't such a good idea. Unwashed starving hermit might be the better choice for you, then.

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White flag with jets overhead.jpg

July 14: National Surrender Day (France)

  • 1789 - French citizens storm the Bastille prison and free seven prisoners who were wrongly incarcerated after being accused of that most heinous of crimes in France: being English.
  • 1798 - The Sedition Act becomes United States law, making it a federal crime to write, publish, or utter false or malicious statements about the U.S. government. The Uncyclopedia farm is raided, and several prized bovines are tipped over.
  • 1914 - Confusion over guacamole and the Whack-a-mole game leads to a victory by the army of Venustiano Carranza over Pancho Villa's forces in northern Mexico.
  • 1940 - Vichy France is established after capitulation to Germany, making the film Casablanca possible.
  • 1969 - The United States removes all large bills from circulation, much to the dismay of the legendary Salmon P. Chase (the face of the $10,000 bill) and his adoring fans.
  • 1974 - It's Christmas, Folks, and Just Look at the Mess We've Made by John Lennon reached number one on the charts.
  • 2000 - A powerful solar flare, later named the Bastille Day Event, causes a geomagnetic storm on Earth. The French immediately surrender to the sun and agree to a two-year occupation of Paris, much to the chagrin of French sunblock and parasol manufacturers.
  • 2007 - A breakthrough study shows that those who read often are actually better at reading than those who seldom read.
  • 2008 - A second breakthrough study shows that those who seldom read are better at not reading than those who read often.
  • 2009 - A third breakthrough study shows that those who read often are worse at reading when those who seldom read deprive the former of their pretentious glasses.
  • 2010 - A fourth breakthrough study shows that those who read often do not know how to read, while those who seldom read are contributors to Uncyclopedia.
  • 2011 - A fifth breakthrough study shows that breakthrough studies get annoying fairly quickly.

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July 15: International Video Game Day

  • 1899 - Dr. Edwin Joy invents the first joystick usable for games. It fails to catch on with whist players.
  • 1981 - The MKULTRA project is used to convince millions that the arcade game Polybius actually exists. This is done in order to get back badly needed quarters being hoarded by children.
  • 1982 - Atari, Inc. releases E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial for the Atari 2600 game console, which is met with rave reviews and general praise from gamers and critics alike.
  • 1983 - The Donkey Kong arcade game is banned in Saudi Arabia due to Sharia law prohibiting mingling barrels and apes.
  • 1986 - Dragon Warrior (pictured) is released for the Nintendo Entertainment System, paving the way for role-playing video games.
  • 1988 - The first adult-oriented video game is released for the Nintendo Entertainment System, but the small processors and inadequate graphics rendered the game much more confusing than it was erotic.
  • 1997 - Goldeneye 007, starring James Bond, is released for the Nintendo 64, in what many still consider to be the greatest first-person shooter of all time.
  • 2002 - Playing off of the massive success of The Lord of the Rings franchise, a video game based on The Two Towers is released, but it is not received well by fans due to the absence of Lord Sauron as a playable character.
  • 2006 - In honor of International Video Game Day, a flash game becomes available on the Homestar Runner website featuring Trogdor the Burninator.
  • 2007 - AYBABTU is almost forgotten, for great justice.
  • 2009 - You finally realize you have worn a deep groove in your couch while playing video games. You will eventually find yourself sitting in a 2 foot deep hole in the floor.
  • 2011 - Unicorn Appreciation Day. Congratulate the unicorns on another year passed.

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July 16: International Turning Japanese Day (America, 1980s)

  • 1812 - Neils Bohr lays out the first Table of the Elements, containing less than half of the elements known today, but including most of the important ones such as Linoleum and Kryptonite.
  • 1862 - American Civil War: David Farragut becomes the first United States Navy rear admiral, becoming the butt end of 'rear admiral' jokes for decades.
  • 1945 - The Age of Large, Mutated Reptiles begins (pictured) when the United States successfully detonates a nuclear weapon, unleashing gigantic horrors upon the world (mostly Japan).
  • 1972 - The Time Cubicle Theory is first developed. The lead theorist was certainly not on any sort of brutally mind-bending narcotics.
  • 1980 - The Vapors release their song Turning Japanese which piques the world's attention. This would cause over 50 countries to try to invade China.
  • 1984 - Americans misunderstand the concept of hentai and start doing perverted bondage acts with chickens.
  • 1994 - Disney releases the animated movie The Lion King despite accusations of plagiarism of the Japanese animated movie Emperor Lion/ Kimba the White Lion. Disney lawyers assert that Lion King is about a young lion whose parents are killed and is advised by a baboon, while Emperor/ Kimba is about a young lion whose parents are killed and is advised by a baboon.
  • 1994 - Comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 collides with Jupiter and is sentenced to twenty space-years of probation for reckless endangerment and orbiting without a license.
  • 2002 - My dissertation on Modern Advances in Mathematical Theory suitably impresses the brunette in the fifth row, and we retire to the library for a cozy study session and a quick bout of intercourse.
  • 2012 - Lionsgate releases the dystopian movie Hunger Games despite charges of plagiarism of the Japanese dystopian movie Battle Royale (2000). US film industry lawyers note that Hunger Games is about a violent last-man-standing competition between students while Battle Royale is about the same thing, pretty much, with an identical plot, except US judges haven't seen the latter film and are pretty much a bunch of racists anyway.

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July 17: Dog Days Begin (Summer), Professional Copiousness Day (Uncyclopedia), National Lottery Day (Massachusetts)

  • 800 - With the Roman empire in shambles, the Dark Ages begin, ushering in a time of mysterious axe wounds and serfdom.
  • 1493 - Native Americans sail east and discover Spain. They fail to celebrate this as their shackles prevent feasting and dancing.
  • 1612 - The first message by homing pigeon is successfully received. It reads "Send back the pigeon".
  • 1741 - Massachusetts successfully holds its first lottery, with over £3000 raised after paying out prizes totalling £5. The legislature manages to spend it all in 3 days on parties, hookers and liquor, establishing rules for governmental spending priorities in America.
  • 1717 - The Blackbeard Catering Company (pictured) is founded, offering full foodservice and a variety of bar items including rum and grog, all at competitive rates.
  • 1877 - The Statue of Liberty arrives in New York. Her luggage would be lost and not arrive until a week later, leaving her with only a green bathrobe to wear.
  • 1934 - Faced with demands to clean up its act, Hollywood introduced the Hays Code, which set guidelines for things such as the use of Negroes in film.
  • 1948 - The U.S. Presidential ticket of Strom Thurmond and his New Hampshire Merchant Cat, Stripey, garnered over one million votes in the general election.
  • 1955 - Disneyland establishes its independence from Pixar.
  • 1995 - The Snopes website comes online, and the truth and validity of countless rumors and urban legends, such as the safety and sexuality of children's toys and children's icons, respectively, are quashed.
  • 1981 - Absolutely nothing of any consequence happens.
  • 2005 - Misquoting Jesus, a book by Bart Ehrman, is published. Within a few short weeks it becomes the center of a firestorm of controversy, most of it defending Jesus' accomplishments as described in the Bible, among them "champion surfer" and "speedboat owner".

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July 18: Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride Day (pictured)

  • 1812 - In desperation, Tchaikovsky is forced to include cannons in his 1812 Overture when bassoonists go on strike.
  • 1835 - Bobwire is invented by Bob "Two-thumbs" McGinty.
  • 1863 - American Civil War: Matthew Broderick, Denzel Washington, and Morgan Freeman charge a Confederate fort in what is commonly agreed to be one of the most passionate scenes in cinema history.
  • 1872 - Britain introduces secret ballot voting so that aristocrats across the country may more convincingly drop their monocles in indignant surprise after the rabble have their way.
  • 1879 - Oscar Wilde obtains the cane he becomes known for posing with during a contest of wit with a man owning a cane.
  • 1883 - Jimmy the Cowboy is born in what is believed to be Kentucky.
  • 1906 - Prince Edward Island residents attempt to secede but find the island too big to row away from Canada.
  • 1964 - Movie subtitles are used for the first time for A Hard's Day's Night as audiences are unable to understand the Beatles. Meanwhile, audiences in Liverpool flee theaters when they see moving pictures for the first time.
  • 1969 - Mary Jo Kopechne & Sen. Ted Kennedy plunge off Chappaquiddick Bridge, thus tying up all the loose ends.
  • 1971 - Hunter S. Thompson has a rather nasty trip. Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride Day is established in honor of this occasion.
  • 1972 - Hunter Thompson takes more bad trips to get more holidays named for him.
  • 1990 - Interruptions continued to occur in all aspects of daily business as people repeatedly were urged to "stop" during the period known as "Hammer Time".

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July 19: Swallows Return (San Juan Capistrano, US), Great Cat Feast (also San Juan Capistrano), Ice Age ends

  • 193 - Romans make a chicken and then a plate of fruit their emperor as all human choices are lacking.
  • 1018 - King Æthelred the Unready finally thinks of a snappy reply to an insult by the Vikings. Unfortunately, he is already dead.
  • 1545 - The Tudor warship Mary Rose sinks off Portsmouth, after leaving a porthole ajar in a storm.
  • 1553 - Jean Grey (pictured) is replaced as Phoenix by Queen Mary, after holding that title for just nine days.
  • 1788 - The constant chatter of swallows returning to San Juan Capistrano wakes the kraken. Not able to go back to sleep, it goes out for breakfast only to get burnt hash browns and the wrong kind of toast.
  • 1864 - Rebels are defeated in the Taiping Rebellion by Chinese forces, with elements regrouping to join Robert E. Lee in Virginia.
  • 1870France declares war on Chef Boyardee, starting the Franco-American War.
  • 1877 - The first Wimbledon Tennis Championship is held, oddly enough, in Hoboken, New Jersey.
  • 1992 - Actor Luke Perry reaches the height of his celebrity and records a world-record 18 public service announcements in one day.
  • 1977 - The first GPS signal is sent and scientists tracking it are sent to parts unknown, never to be seen again.
  • 2009 - After not returning en masse to San Juan Capistrano, biologists carefully glue any swallows they find into their nests. Local restaurants are unable to serve all-you-can-eat roast swallow dinners.
  • 2622 - Time machines are invented, and history is re-written. All the above is rendered possibly false.

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July 20: Window Licking Day (Scotland)

Armstrong moon.JPG
  • 14 CE - Romans begin installing glass windows in buildings. Rock throwing becomes a popular sport.
  • 1276 - Chartres Cathedral officials make it a sin to lick stained glass windows after dozens of worshippers are found dead in the previous winter, stuck to windows by their tongues that had frozen to the glass. How they were able to do that on windows 35 meters (115 ft.) above ground level remains a mystery.
  • 1580 - Sir Francis Drake circumnavigates the globe, after licking windows in over 50 lands.
  • 1903 - The Ford Motor Company ships its first car, the Model R, with an engine that powers its four wooden wheels with whale oil.
  • 1928 - The government of Hungary issues a decree ordering Gypsies to settle in one place, surrender their Gypsy gold, and take a bath goddammit!
  • 1944 - Adolf Hitler survives a bomb blast in the bunker. A build-up in flatulence is blamed. Chef Claus von Stauffenberg is shot.
  • 1969 - NASA astronaut Louis Armstrong becomes the first man to set foot on the moon (pictured) when Apollo 11 splashes down in the Sea of Tranquillity.
  • 1974 - Turkeys invade Cyprus.
  • 1981 - The chemical compound Anime is first isolated in a Japanese laboratory.
  • 2017 - O.J. Simpson is released from prison, vowing to find his ex-wife's killer. Thousand of mirrors are mailed to him.

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July 21 National Fight Day (UK), Belgium Awareness Day

  • 58 BCE - Julius Caesar becomes aware of the Belgae when an arrow flies past his head. His legions make short work of their 10,000-strong army, spotted all hiding behind the one rock in all of Belgica, the highest point in the entire region.
  • 1066 - Fight Day is established. "You do not talk about Fight Day," proclaims the King, shortly before being impaled on a sword by Normans.
  • c.1200 - Due to their mutual dislike of Brussel sprouts, France, the Netherlands and later Spain realize that Belgium would be an ideal battleground while also using their armies to destroy the hated vegetable and lousy chocolate.
  • 1298 - Battle of Falskirt. Edward Longlegs defeats Mel Gibson's Scottish hooligans in a poker game.
  • 1447 - The snack industry falters as everyone is too busy fighting everone else to take a break.
  • 1839 - William Otis invents the steam shovel. This is regarded as a frivolous invention since it is more important to shovel the vast quantities of horseshit piling up every day.
  • 1891 - Whitcomb Judson invents the zipper after hanging out in his local bar.
  • 1949 - The United States ratifies the North Atlantic Treaty, officially enacting a truce with the hostile North Atlantic Ocean that would be honored until sea otters invade Boston in 1977.
  • 1958 - The elusive and mysterious pond whale (pictured) is first described in scientific literature.
  • 1977 - Sea otters invade Boston; Fulton Fish Market is devastated. Land and air otters join the fight.
  • 2006 - The first in a wildly successful series of prison journals is published on Uncyclopedia.
  • 2007 - "Celebrating Fight Day may increase your risk of getting into a fight" says a statistician after completing a 30-year research program.

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July 22: Oh, my God! It's National Hysteria Day, and you HAVEN'T MADE ANY PLANS!

  • 0 - Scientists decide the Earth is round, not flat. This is proven wrong when a sailor falls off the world and is never seen again.
  • 1066 - King Harold inaugurates National Hysteria Day with his famous speech "Holy shit! It's the fucking Normans! AAAAAAAAA!"
  • 1855 - A brief cease-fire is called in the Crimean War until Lord Raglan gets his sobbing under control.
  • 1898 - Dr. Victor von Frankenstein III attempts to cure hysteria by performing hysterectomies on all his patients. His patients, all males, are not amused and become more hysterical than ever.
  • 1929 - Dozens of stockbrokers and bankers leap out of windows in wild National Hysteria Day celebration.
  • 1966 - Australian Prime Minister Sir Robert Menzies celebrates the nine hundredth anniversary of National Hysteria Day by running around in circles, screaming.
  • 1986 - Copious amounts of vodka-induced partying causes several employees of the Chernobyl nuclear power plant to hysterically panic when the reactor can't handle the sound system. They take out a few control rods to compensate the drain on the power grid.
  • 1990 - Media outlets report the outbreak of a deadly virus in the United States. Thirty-eight people die of panic attacks from the announcement, and two people are killed by the virus itself.

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July 23: Promptly Shoot Everyone Day

  • 1914: Archduke Franz Ferdinand, his wife, and his moustache are shot and killed while travelling to market in an open buggy, triggering World War I. Authorities agree it was a bad idea to be carrying a Target bag in plain sight.
  • 1942: Promptly Shoot Everyone Day receives a tremendous boost with the opening of the Treblinka Concentration Camp. Up to 6 million take part.
  • 1963: Lee Harvey Oswald (pictured) is assassinated in the Texas Book Depository in Dallas. His alleged assassin is promptly shot, creating a firestorm of controversy and insane conspiracy theories printed on poorly xeroxed fliers.
  • 1965: Malcolm X gives a speech in New York City, decrying the racist motivations behind Promptly Shoot Everyone Day. He is promptly shot and replaced by Malcolm XI.
  • 1973: Bob Marley promptly shoots the sheriff, but he swears he didn't shoot the deputy, or at least he did not shoot the deputy in a prompt and timely manner.
  • 1986: Britain's Prince Andrew marries Sarah Ferguson at Westminster Abbey in London. He then promptly shoots her in the face.
  • 1982: Sasuke Uchiha is born and then is shot... promptly.
  • 2005: Egypt attempts to expand the festival by introducing Promptly Blow Everyone Up Day, leaving 88 dead. It is branded "a wild success" by Libyan President Muammar Gaddafi who offers to provide celebration kits to anyone who asks.
  • 2007: An aspiring pornography actor adopts the moniker "Promptly Shot", but isn't hired for some reason.

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July 24: Pioneer Day (Utah), Polygamy Week begins (also Utah)

  • 967 - As I was going to St. Ives, I meet a man with seven wives. Each wife has seven cats, each cat has seven kits. I get the worst case of Cat-scratch disease you could imagine after trying to huff them all.
  • 1132 - The Battle of Nocera between Ranulf II of Alife and Roger II of Sicily takes place in Italy. Ranulf's fettucine narrowly bests Roger's linguine, and Italy adopts fettucine as the National Stereotypical Food.
  • 1487 - Citizens of Leeuwarden, Netherlands, unsatisfied with watered-down domestics, rebel against a ban on foreign beer.
  • 1762 - New Yorkers are frightened when something long and green is seen moving through the streets of the city. Upon finding it is a St. Patrick's Day parade still marching after four months, they become even more frightened.
  • 1828 - Patrick Bell invents the reaping machine. The Grim Reaper is an early adopter but has trouble getting it to work efficiently until the 1860s.
  • 1884 - Hiram Maxim invents the Maxim gun, the basis for the modern machine gun. Not realizing it was a weapon of war, it was bought by the thousands by organ grinders with tragic results.
  • 1947 - Brigham Young and all his merry wives arrive in Utah to establish Mormonism, and in doing so guaranteed that even the ugliest son of a bitch (pictured) can have multiple mates.
  • 1970 - The pocket calculator is invented, enabling easy identification of nerds.
  • 1983 - Hacker Richard M. Stallman launches the GNU project, an effort to protect the endangered buffalo-like animal from extinction, using mainly open-source code. Gnus would insist that the project be written entirely in BASIC.
  • 2000 - While on the Presidential campaign trail, George W. Bush reads a guide to living life that helps him on his way to the Oval Office. Dick Cheney helps him with the bigger words.
  • 2008 - The Dark Knight is released, becoming an instant box-office smash hit, and reaching the all-time pinnacle for film for all history. However, Monty Python fans expecting a story about the Black Knight are deeply disappointed.

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July 25: International Talk Like Yoda Day, it is.

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July 26: Punch Your Girlfriend Day (Michigan) (pictured), Build a Snowman Day (Florida)

  • 3400 BCE - Cave man punch woman, then laugh.
  • 657 - Battle of Siffin. Theys was diffin, yo. No I'm sayn, bitch?
  • 1866 - Cyrus Field successfully completes the Atlantic cable, thus allowing for the largest single transfer of internet porn in history.
  • 1521 - Famed prophet Nostradamus predicts that the King of England will have an affair and take the Queen of France as his mistress.
  • 1524 - Nostradamus's house gets egged by an angry mob as they find his prediction to be wrong and that the King of England does not take the Queen of France as his mistress, but the Prince of Germany.
  • 1536 - King Henry VIII of England takes Punch Your Girlfriend Day to new extremes.
  • 1590 - Martin Luther changes his "100 Thesis" to the "99 Thesis" by deleting the sentence, "Priests are not to be allowed to have relations with children."
  • 1792 - The Whiskey Rebellion is lost as George Washington and his troops march to fight off rebels while drunk, singing 99 Bottles of Beer.
  • 1834 - The whoopie cushion is invented as a seat cover, but does not sell well for making "sounds of unwanted body gases".
  • 1870 - The typewriter is invented with only the keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
  • 1974 - A Scottish man is viciously attacked by an alien squid after mistaking the creature for his bagpipes. Several women are punched in the process.
  • 1994 - O.J. Simpson takes Punch Your Girlfriend Day a step further.
  • 1997 - Peter Piper picks a peck of pickled peppers. Pfft!
  • 2000 - 35 people with the Y2K bug are hospitalized after having close physical contact with their computers.
  • 2007 - The Green Archers are beaten by The Blue Eagles. The Archers then punch their girlfriends for not cheering hard enough. The Eagles punch their girlfriends in ecstasy.
  • 3001 - Justin Bieber's preserved remains finally hit puberty.

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July 27: StarCraft Day (Korea), Nerdery Day (Internetopia)

  • 7 BCE - The first computer is created using a yard of string, a goat, and three partially eaten kidney beans.
  • 6 BCE - The first computer nerd (pictured) fixes a goat/bean compatibility issue on a local goatherd's new computer.
  • 3 BCE - A computer nerd/farmer has sex with his goat causing string problems and generating large amounts of upchucked kidney beans, thus creating the first computer virus.
  • 1 BCE - A child runs through a field and trips over a string where a vast network of stringed goats are being held. The chain reaction sets off an epidemic of bean-upchucking and goat-kicking that doesn't end until the goats are re-neutered and restrung.
  • 500 - A woman proposes the use of thin strips of silicon to faciliate the use of micro-circuitry, halving computer sizes and doubling their speed. The woman is stoned to death then given a medal after being credited with the discovery of the breast implant. Male suicide rates are halved.
  • 666 - Steve Jobs trades his soul to Satan for StarCraft, the first game capable of running on goats tied together with string. He goes on to invent Blizzard.
  • 1000 - The Y1K Bug destroys computers, causing the human race to be enslaved by toasters. Later, someone pulls the plug on the toasters and the humans are freed, only to make more toasters.
  • 2010 - StarCraft II is released to the public. Koreans everywhere rejoice except in North Korea, because of incompatibility with duck-powered computers.
  • 2011 - Blizzard denies allegations that a third installment, StarCraft III, is under development. Koreans everywhere grieve.
  • 2036 - StarCraft III is officially confirmed by Blizzard. Koreans everywhere rejoice except in North Korea, whose ducks have forgotten how to generate electricity.
  • 2057 - The Japanese discover how to manufacture immortality out of panties and meth, and subsequently sell it from vending machines. Koreans steal the formula and take over the world.
  • 2135 - StarCraft III is released. Walmart regains control of the world because Koreans are too busy playing the game.

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July 28: National Fondue and Chocolate Day (Switzerland) (pictured)

  • c.3200 BCE - The man now know known as Ötzi the Iceman takes a pot of boiling fondue up to the mountains to try to get it to cool down. He slips on a rock and is stabbed by dropped fondue forks and perishes. It is the first recorded death by cheese but would not be the last.
  • c.650 - Porcelain is invented to identify clumsy citizens in China.
  • 1119 - The magnetic compass is created by floating a magnetized needle in a bowl of water. However, hundreds of ships on long voyages would be lost when thirsty pets and thieving seamstresses would destroy compasses.
  • 1307 - Refusing to reveal the family fondue recipe, William Tell is forced to shoot a box of Toblerone off his son's head.
  • 1502 - A Swiss crewman on Columbus's 4th voyage develops chocolate fondue but cuts out the associated human sacrifice ceremony as the latter is more trouble than it is worth.
  • 1794 - Robespierre is sent to the guillotine for declaring white chocolate the Chocolate of the Revolution... and for thinking July could be renamed Thermidor.
  • 1845 - Swiss army knives are now tempered by dropping them into pots of fondue.
  • 1889 - The smell of fondue carried by prevailing winds attracts whales, causing mass strandings on the Atlantic coast of Europe. One almost makes it all the way up the Rhine River but is stopped at the Swiss border for lack of identification.
  • 1956 - The first video game is introduced, allowing the player to move a dot to one of two locations on a projected screen using punch cards. Legendary gamer AAA makes his debut, setting the all-time high score of 13, which stands to this day.
  • 1972 - On a trip to Vietnam, Jane Fondue is captured in a photograph that caused chocolate sales to soar, at least to her for a while.
  • 1999 - After widespread internet rumors concerning chocolate shortages are proven to be false, many of the instigators are banned from the internet.
  • 2007 - Bashing one's head against a brick wall is officially substituted for fondue and chocolate in some of the poorer areas of the world.

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Jülÿ 29: Hëävÿ Mëtäl Ümläüt Däÿ

  • c.11,000 BCE - Dëëp underground below ancient mountains, mysterious dwärfs forge the first Hëävy Mëtäl Ümläüt. It is stolen by an evil dragon, who flies over land and sea to the place known as China and has cheap knöcköffs made. The original would be lost to history until the second century CE.
  • 166 - King Arthur dëcïdës thät chängïng hïs nämë tö "Kïng Ärthür" wïll mäkë hïm söünd härdcörë, thüs märkïng thë fïrst üsë öf thë Hëävÿ Mëtäl Ümläüt.
  • 189 - Döcümënts from this year are dïscövered by ärchæölögïsts in 1897 showing the ëxtënsïve use of Hëävy Mëtäl Ümläüts. The ümläüts will be läter föünd to be bëëtle dämäge.
  • 1776 - Thömäs Jëffërsön, ä nötëd Hëävÿ Mëtäl fän, ädds Hëävÿ Mëtäl Ümläüts tö thë bëgïnnïng tëxt öf thë Dëclärätïön öf Ïndëpëndëncë (pïctürëd) tö mäkë thë Ü.S. sëëm pöwërfül tö Kïng Gëörgë ÏÏÏ.
  • 1949 - Chäïrmän Mäö Zëdöng ännöüncës thät änÿönë ïn Chïnä whö döës nöt wrïtë thëïr Chïnësë wïth ümläüts övër thëïr chäräctërs wïll bë sübjëct tö rë-ëdücätïön.
  • 1957 - The Swiss government mandates the use of Hëävÿ Mëtäl Ümläüts in all öffïcïal döcümënts in order to support the ink-making industry.
  • 1961 - Ü.S. Prësïdënt Jöhñ F. Këññëdÿ ëntërs öffïcë wïth tïldës övër hïs n's. Twö ÿëärs lätër, hë ïs ässässïnätëd bÿ Lëë Härvëÿ Öswäld, whö fäïlëd Spänïsh äs ä chïld.
  • 1975 - Controversy flares as Lemmy Kilmeister finds his proposed band name, Mo'er'ed, has already been claimed. He then changes the name to The Ärchïës.
  • 1979 - Ozzy Osbourne is fired from Black Sabbath for trying to add an omelette to the band's name.
  • 1985 - Thë Cöcä-Cölä Cömpänÿ ïntrödücës Nëw Côkë, ä värïänt öf Cöcä-Cölä wïth ä cïrcümflëx. Thë nëw drïnk fäïls hörrïblÿ änd thë öld Cöcä-Cölä ïs rëïnstätëd.
  • 1998 - Ü.S. Prësïdënt Bïll Clïntøn üsës ä Scändïnävïän "ø" ïn hïs nämë ïnstëäd öf än ümläüt ïn ä lëttër tö Mönïcä Lëwïnskÿ. Thïs rësülts ïn thë Lëwïnskÿ scändäl, whïch älmöst cäüsës Clïntøn's ïmpëächmënt.
  • 2000 - A mysterious disease strikes metal bands, making them lose their umlauts.
  • 2009 - Mötley Crüe enters into talks with Gërmäny over reductions in nüclear ümlaüt proliferation.

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July 30: International Page Blanking Day

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July 31: Feast of St. Leslie Nielsen

  • 118 - The wheelbarrow is invented in China even though its use in Jackass-style videos would not be realized until the 2000s.
  • 781 - The oldest recorded eruption of noted volcano Mt. Fuji occurs, raining the Japanese countryside with scorched lenses and bits of charred film.
  • 1498 - Christopher Columbus, on his third voyage to the Western Hemisphere, still refuses to ask for directions to India.
  • 1577 - Newspapers are invented. No longer are two strong men required to throw town criers onto people's doorsteps.
  • 1588 - The Spanish Armada is spotted off of England; very few were expecting said Inquisition.
  • 1829 - Andrew Jackson invents baloney by instituting the spoils system of government.
  • 1919 - Germany's Weimar Constitution and Other Fables is penned.
  • 1921 - The International Astronomical and Astrological Society dubs Gemini to be the most revered of all constellations. (pictured)
  • 1947 - Leslie Nielsen pushes Richard Widmark in a wheelchair with O.J. Simpson sitting on Widmark's lap down a flight of stairs in the film Kiss of Death.
  • 1948 - Jingo Grand Championship: India headbutts the UK negating its win of 1858. Mahatma Gandhi is named player of the year and becomes the first to claim "I'm going to Disney World".
  • 1956 - Leslie Nielsen is canonized for his miraculous quick draw in vaporizing an attacking tiger and also stealing the girl away from his men on the planet Altair IV, named for the personal computer.
  • 1992 - Harry Potter is born and proves to be a whizzer from the start.
  • 3491 - Third Robot invasion of U.S. capital Grand Forks, North Dakota is repelled by soldiers under the leadership of Mecha-President George Bush XXVI.

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